Monday 16 September 2019

Mohammad Bin Voldemort says his hands are clean

Cruel fate of journalist Jamal Khashoggi was clearly just all a misunderstanding

SAUDI CROWN PRINCE: Mohammad bin Salman. Photo: Victoria Jones/PA Wire
SAUDI CROWN PRINCE: Mohammad bin Salman. Photo: Victoria Jones/PA Wire
Gene Kerrigan

Gene Kerrigan

So, anyway, this guy Jamal Khashoggi, he walks into the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.

He's been nervous about going in there, because he knows the Saudi state is headed by savages who jail and torture and behead those who don't show sufficient respect to the royal family.

But he needs some documents, so he makes an appointment.

And the Saudi state has helpfully provided the following explanation of what happened.

On entering, he's confronted by 15 heavies flown in from Saudi Arabia to greet him (all of whom are scheduled to fly back out of the country as soon as they've had a chat with Mr Khashoggi).

The Saudis pride themselves on providing a customised response to anyone visiting their consulates, and the average Saudi consular staff possess a variety of skills.

For instance, one of the heavies is a forensic pathologist, who's brought a surgical bone saw.

(You know how it is, you can't tell when you might need a screwdriver or an allen key or a measuring tape, or a bone saw).

The welcoming committee says something like, "Hi, Mr K, good to see you!"

But Khashoggi, an aggressive journalist, immediately raises his fists.

They're ready for anything, but not for this. Terrified, the 15 specially imported heavies reel back, seeking to avoid fisticuffs.

However, Khashoggi rushes them. And in the struggle that ensues, Mr Khashoggi loses his balance and falls, hitting his head on the marble floor.

Despite efforts at resuscitation by the 15 heavies, he passes on to a better place.

This might look bad, someone says. It might lead to aspersions being thrown at the Saudi royal family.

The 15 regretfully, and misguidedly, decide they should move the corpse and conceal the death.

"He's a bit on the heavy side," says one.

"Maybe," muses another, "if we divide him into several parts, so to speak..."

A third looks around and asks, "Anyone happen to have a bone saw?"

All across the world, there is unease at this 12th Century behaviour.

However, Prince Mohammad bin Voldemort points to Official Fall Guy No.14 and says, "It's you or your entire family."

The chap immediately cries out, "I did it, and Prince Voldemort knew nothing!"

And so it was that when word went out across the world, a reporter asked US President Donald Arms Sales if he found this credible, the President said, "Oh, I do, I do."

Sunday Independent

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