Monday 20 January 2020

Irish Social Stere O'Types: The Anti-Smoking Puritan

The anti-smoking puritan
The anti-smoking puritan
Darragh McManus

Darragh McManus

Lips: Pursed. Eyes: Sharp and beady, like a merciless bird of prey.

Nose: Permanently crinkled as a pre-emptive defence against the foul odour of tobacco smoke

Voice: Tighter than piano wire

Overall expression: A sort of sanctimonious disgust

Overweening passion: Hatred for smoking that regularly skirts the psychopathic

Annual tradition: Bemoaning why the minister didn't put 10 euro on every packet in the Budget

Likes: Interfering with other adults' choices

Loves: Detailing exactly how grisly a premature death they can expect

Frequently used terms: Each cigarette takes six minutes off your life; it's a filthy habit; please respect me enough to not smoke in my presence; tobacco causes 97 different forms of cancer; don't you care about your children, at least?; stop blowing death in my face!

Doesn't seem to realise: Everyone is guaranteed to die of something eventually

Current campaign: Mandatory prison sentences for smoking inside a car within 500 metres of a school or playground

Also doesn't realise: That the cars themselves spew out toxic gunk in far greater quantities than feeble little ciggies

Secretly feels: Everyone who dies of smoking-related diseases deserved it: for their stupidity, moral turpitude and pig-headed refusal to go along with what she says

Existential conundrum: Is it possible to make smoking fully illegal, but somehow hold onto the €2billion in taxes it raises each year?

Likely quote: "There are 4,000 equally dangerous chemicals in every cigarette, did you know that?"

Unlikely quote: "Give us a drag there would you, I'm hanging for a fag."

Irish Independent

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