Thursday 17 January 2019

Won't somebody think of the goats?

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Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

Just when we thought we had changed, that we lived in a new sophisticated country, where you could even have a civilised conversation about abortion, along came John Waters. FOATTUM is gaining currency as the new insult du jour.

It was how John ended his abortion discussion with Eamon Dunphy last week. "F**k Off and talk to Una Mullally" (as it has become known, even though he actually said "Talk to Una Mullally, F**k Off") is a phrase that can be applied to any situation in life, and it injected some much-needed madness into the whole referendum campaign.

Although, in fairness that had started last Monday night, when Claire Byrne conducted the first proper abortion debate. Of course, some people looked down their noses at that debate, especially the Yes side, when they realised they'd lost. But if anything, in the way it combined the best of Winning Streak, Up for the Match and The Late Late Show circa 1983, it was the first bit of real honesty in the campaign. And the public loved it.

What with the bit of sunshine and with people jaded from the grim nature of the last month, the madness seemed to be contagious. Shane Ross called Mattie McGrath a b*****ks as well. An out and out b*****ks, he added for emphasis. Waters opted for a more traditional, "You're a f**king b*****ks, f**k off" to Dunphy.

With the Rolling Stones also in town for a gig, you wouldn't have been surprised to turn on the TV to find Fr Michael Cleary smoking a fag, talking to Gay. It was just that kind of week.

And of course, as promised, the wife-swapping sodomite goats of Ennis made it back on to the silly season agenda when they found a home, and stopped procreating like there was no tomorrow long enough to be moved to Louth, where there has been a huge shortage of goats since the Foot and Mouth (I'm not making this up).

The goats were rounded up at Mangan's Cash and Carry, where they used to spend the night, and off they went. And you read that right. The goats were spending their nights in the same place every night, at a cash and carry. There were 200 people looking to take the Ennis goats after their plight was publicised, among other places, in this spot last week.

Councillor Mary Howard was delighted with the outcome, and then pointed out that "two kids were already electrocuted at an ESB sub-station here and a third got knocked down by a car more recently". For a minute we all wondered, as tragic as all that was, what it had to do with the goats. And then we realised, she meant two young goats were electrocuted and a third knocked down.

Somehow, you suspect, it's gonna be one of those summers.

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