Wednesday 21 August 2019

When John met Kim Jong-un

"I am John Halligan, Supreme Leader of Waterford and Minister of State for Training and Skills. I probably shouldn't ask you this but are you a married man?"
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

Somewhere in North Korea, a minion enters a room, bowing and scraping. "Supreme Leader, Chairman of the Workers Party of Korea, etc etc, there is someone here to see you."

Kim Jong-un (standing by a dishwasher): "Who is it?"

Minion: "Hard to say, Supreme Leader. Could be Groucho Marx from Duck Soup new latest movie from imperialist dogs of great dictatorship of America, just hitting cinemas now. Though having looked at the capitalist plot that is the internet, this man also bears a resemblance to Glorious Supreme Leader of Limerick Willie O'Dea. See? Here is picture of him with a gun. Two other men are also with him though. So maybe it is the Marx Brothers. He says they wish to discuss international relations. Should I do something beastly to them?"

Kim Jong-un: "No, I will speak to these capitalist running dogs. Just let me finish this official propaganda photo-shoot of me packing a dishwasher to show I am like ordinary citizen. Everyone has to pack the dishwasher."

Minion: "You mean load, Supreme Leader? I think anyone who has ever filled a dishwasher knows the word is load, not pack."

As the photo-shoot finishes, three men shuffle into the room. Shane Ross is wearing a safari suit. Finian McGrath has an acoustic guitar and they are led by John Halligan, who speaks up for the trio: "Supreme Leader, we come here today in friendship. I am John Halligan, Supreme Leader of Waterford and Minister of State for Training and Skills. I probably shouldn't ask you this but are you a married man?"

Kim Jong-un: "According to Korean State Media I am married to Ri Sol-ju. But I also like to drink and party all night and I have reportedly recruited young female companions to form a pleasure troupe to entertain me. I am also busy developing hydrogen bombs and ICBMs."

Halligan: "And how many missiles do you have?"

Kim Jong-un: "I have many missiles."

Halligan: "You must be very busy. Now that I have put you at your ease with some family-friendly talk…"

Kim Jong-un: "Family friendly? Family not friendly! That's why I have to keep killing them!"

Halligan: "Well anyway. We came here to broker peace. You recall glorious cultural relations of the past between Workers Parties of Ireland and Korea through Comhaltas Ceoltoiri. So today my friend Finian here is going to sing a song to cement international relations."

Kim Jong-un: "Excellent. You know anything by capitalist pig Justin Bieber? Looks just like me. I'm a Belieber!"

And so they all sang long into the night and it seemed peace was brokered. Until dawn, when they disappeared.

Sunday Independent

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