Monday 18 November 2019

We have lost the run of ourselves

(Stock image)
(Stock image)
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

It is probably fair to say that at this point we have well and truly lost the run of ourselves. Technically, we are defined to have lost the run of ourselves when there are five or more days of abnormally high temperatures, maybe above 25 degrees.

Oh hang on, that's the definition of a heatwave. Which, of course, everyone in the country knows off by heart. If you walked up to a two-year-old in Ireland right now and said, "What about this heatwave?", they would look at you pityingly and say, "Mister, this is not technically a heatwave, yet. You need five consecutive days of abnormally high temperature for it to actually qualify as a heatwave".

The point at which we technically lost the run of ourselves was probably last Friday, when someone mentioned it being fine until Wednesday. We have rarely if ever had such a long term guarantee of good weather. This week! And apparently it's just going to get hotter and hotter. It's only going in one direction, and apparently there is no ceiling on how high it could go. And we loved that because it reminded us of the property market.

So everyone is preparing their sickies for Monday, and some people are actually investing in extra summer clothes in the sales. Most of us have one summer outfit, with rich people possibly having a spare as well. We've had it for 10 years now because it only gets the odd airing, so it'd be a waste buying any more. But not only are people now getting cocky enough to invest in a second pair of shorts, some people are actually buying new sunglasses to augment their good pair they bought 10 years ago before they had children. Such is the carefree Mediterranean feel in the air, there are reports in the Midlands of people having sex who haven't done it in years.

And, of course, it's a good time for bad news. We are noticing out of the corner of our eyes that Brexit is turning to crap, and that it could be bad for everyone concerned. Are we bovvered? Not a bit of it. We're too busy singing Una Paloma Blanca after one too many sangrias in the back garden. It's like Love Island in many people's houses, with people sitting around drinking in their bikinis and togs having idiotic conversations because they don't know or couldn't care less about what's going on in the world.

The only news stories having any impact are stories about how long the weather is going to last, and then related matters like the CO2 shortage, which apparently is going to mean shorter best-before dates on bags of salad. This is problematic on two fronts. Firstly, this is the only time most of us buy any salads as we try to pretend to be sophisticated in the nice weather. And secondly, it means we will have to throw the untouched bags of salad out a bit sooner from the fridge.

Still, more room for beer.

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