Thursday 21 November 2019

This Guy's in love with you

European Parliament Brexit negotiator Guy Verhofstadt speaking at the Royal Institute of International Affairs at Chatham House, London. Photo: PA
European Parliament Brexit negotiator Guy Verhofstadt speaking at the Royal Institute of International Affairs at Chatham House, London. Photo: PA
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

We love Guy Verhofstadt. We have all agreed that he is, as they used to say in agricultural circles in this country, a quare name but great stuff.

It's not just the floppy hair and the big glasses, which lend him a touch of Dennis Taylor meets Dame Edna meets Elton John (though those things are central to his appeal). It's mainly that he came to see us. And he told us what we wanted to hear.

We go crazy for any foreigner who gives us the time of day. And when they go one step further, as Guy did, and basically side with us against the Brits, then they have us at 'allo.

Guy says he will make sure no one hurts us. He promised us that he will never allow us to suffer for Britain's decision to leave the EU. We swooned. We didn't even titter that his name was pronounced ghee.

He even went and walked around a farm. We love that. A farm at the Border, if you don't mind. And then he talked all hippy dippy about how he couldn't see any Border, and the cows certainly couldn't. The only thing that could have made us happier is if Guy had gone to the Ploughing. There would have been a national collective orgasm if Guy had arrived down there in a helicopter with Louis Walsh and Vogue. If Guy had come on the radio with Sean O'Rourke at the Ploughing we would have decided that, Belgian or not, Guy should be the president.

Indeed, if we knew whether or not we needed a president next year Guy would be a shoo-in. But it looks as if we won't know if we need a president next year until it's too late, because Michael D is too busy to tell us if he is stepping down or if he is going for the Fair Deal Presidency.

When the Ploughing wasn't on the news (It rained last night ... they're drying the place well ... the people still came ... look at Leo looking awkward ... look at all the expensive machinery that all the farmers claim they can only dream of buying), Guy was on the news. Like Ajai Chopra before him, we've decided that Guy gets us. He's one of us. We have adopted him. He can play the five nights in Croker.

Guy didn't specifically say how he is going to save us from Brexit. He muttered something about Northern Ireland staying in the single market. He didn't explain how that would affect trade between Northern Ireland, in the EU, and Britain, which is pretty much part of the same country, but not in the EU. We didn't care. Guy is currently the solution to all our problems. And what could possibly go wrong there? Nothing.

Just ask the last person who was the solution to all our problems - Michael O'Leary.

Don't make us angry, Guy. You wouldn't like us when we're angry.

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