Saturday 21 September 2019

The randy old goats of Ennis

Wild goats are causing trouble in Co Clare
Wild goats are causing trouble in Co Clare
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

The Silly Season saw the sun come out so it tried to make an appearance. We barely noticed it had happened until we found ourselves looking at goats in Ennis for an inordinate amount of the main evening news. The camera lingered on various shots of the goats walking around Ennis.

These goats looked hard as hell, and they didn't give a damn. These goats were afraid of no one. They strutted around like the last gang in town. Like Oasis in their heyday. The people of Ennis were at pains to say that they bore the goats no ill will, but they would like to find a suitable home for them. It has been agreed for the time being that road signs will be put up warning about the goats. But it is not resolved. Presumably on a slow news day later in the summer, there will be a follow up story about the goats finding a home. The goats are apparently "procreating like there's no tomorrow", which, presumably, if you're a goat, there isn't. Goats tend to live in the now.

Bizarrely, this wasn't the only silly season story last week about randy old goats wandering the streets of Ennis. We also learnt that a couple who were charging €250 an hour for sex, with both of them, at their home, were up in court last week and got a fine.

It all sounded very good natured. He was from Barcelona, which will always be a good excuse for anything in Ireland, such is our love of Fawlty Towers, and apparently the couple didn't realise what they were doing was illegal. They were almost too co-operative with the gardai, to the point where their co-operation was likened to on-the-job training for the cops.

Like the goats, no one seemed to bear them any ill will. They're clearly a liberal lot in Ennis in the summer. Though there were calls for them to be castrated. We're back to the goats now. Keep up.

The winner of 'silly season story of the week' though, was the ongoing saga of Daniel O'Donnell's superfan who was one of the people operating a cocaine factory. This story keeps going for a number of reasons.

The fact that there is Late Late footage of her helps. Also, there's the fact that she is young and attractive, yet she is a fan of Daniel O'Donnell. And then, of course, there is the fact that she was running a cocaine factory. Surely there is a TV show in this, where Daniel and Majella visit drug-making facilities around the country to be welcomed by delighted superfan proprietors.

Let's call it 'Daniel and Majella's coke and E bad trip'. If we could get Dermot Bannon and Francis Brennan involved too, to make the places over, it'd be a surefire hit.

It would be broadcast over summer obviously, in the silly season. Maybe the mission could be to find a nice home for the goats.

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