Monday 18 December 2017

The only thing still working is my denial

Fellas bounce around now in their 60s, cycling like young lads.
Fellas bounce around now in their 60s, cycling like young lads.
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

You delude yourself more and more about age. I've decided people in their 30s are only kids. And 50 is actually quite a young age when you think about it. I tell myself that at 46 I'm about half way there. Which isn't too bad is it? I feel like I've been here forever, so the second half will feel like forever too. And that feeling that life is flying past faster all the time is just in my head. You ignore that disbelief that we are over another winter, that it's 2016. It hits me hardest when I check the date on something that feels like yesterday and it turns out to be ten years ago.

The delusion is probably helped by being healthier now than I was ten years ago. I'm fitter now. Not fit but fitter. I am slimmer. I can wear whatever I like within reason. We have a new house. It feels like starting again after years of renting. It feels like this is just the beginning, like the real adventure is starting now.

But things prick at your delusion. I am crocked too in so many ways. I am accumulating issues. I have lists of them to be dealt with. I am finally getting the endodontic work that will hopefully fix the gums, to which I have been a martyr for years. I am due the scope again soon too, that awful night of drinking the stuff, that evacuates your body in such an alarming manner so that you are totally cleaned out and they can send the scope up and in. Precancerous growths the last time. Who can say what that means, but of course it freaks you out, so you return for more scoping of the gut. Things aren't entirely right there anyway. Maybe I need one of those fecal transplants they talk about, to change the bacteria in the gut. That's the root of everything, they say now. Bad bacteria that live in the gut plotting various diseases and discomfort for you.

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