Monday 14 October 2019

Sun literally melting our heads

The sun sets over Dublin bay during the Heatwave in Ireland. Photo: Justin Farrelly.
The sun sets over Dublin bay during the Heatwave in Ireland. Photo: Justin Farrelly.
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

Irish people have now permanently changed due to the hot weather, according to startling new scientific research. Professor Chortz Sochsunsantal and Professor Mustapha Muphintop have been monitoring Irish people's brains in the sunshine and they say that after having sunny weather for an unprecedented length of time, Irish people are now fundamentally different.

"After two weeks, weather becomes climate and our brains permanently change," Prof Muphintop told the Sunday Independent last night. "It is to do with brain plasticity and meltiness. It is as if inside your heads have literally been melted by the heat and you have evolved." DNA testing done for the research indicates that Irish people are now 44pc Latin. And the boffins say that if the good weather continues for another two weeks we could become more than half-Latin and that is when real change will occur.

"People will stop going to work, and will start propositioning women on the street," says Prof Muphintop. "There may also be outbreaks of dancing. Irish people already have certain Latin or Southern European personality traits like blaming the Germans for everything, expecting the EU to bail them out all the time, and not wanting to take refugees. Indeed, the Irish also have certain Latin American traits, like having the same old socialist for president for 14 years."

The study also shows that Irish women have become 10pc more attractive as a result of the good weather. This is due to a mixture of factors, they say, from having a tan, to wearing less clothes. Unfortunately, they say the exact opposite is true for Irish men, who are now apparently 10pc less attractive, also due to wearing less clothes, and to something the study calls "Beeryness".

Ireland's first female priest, Fr Josepha Madigan, has warned against a breakdown in morals due to the hot weather. Archbishop Diarmuid Martin lashed out at her for this initially, but later apologised, saying he was uncharacteristically cranky because he was very hot in his woolly dress.

Meanwhile, sociologists are predicting societal breakdown if the weather continues. Mobs marched on houses with Celtic Tiger water features over the weekend, and a woman buying a paddling pool in a German supermarket was assaulted by an angry mob who pelted her with middle-aisle goods such as home-office desk organisers, neoprene swimming shoes, inflatable camping chairs and bird tables.

As the hosepipe ban was due to kick in, there were reports from some areas that water features and paddling pools were being filled with alcohol instead. In a statement yesterday, the Government urged calm, signing off the statement with: "Looking good, laydeez!"

Sunday Independent

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