So farewell then, Pink Snack
Brief fits of outrage and excitement motivated by complete strangers, inanimate objects and cute animals, with a side order of nostalgia and dew-eyed sentiment, are the new mass culture.
To recognise this evolution, we will be dedicating this space on the front of the paper every week to the things that really mattered to you during the week.
As we veer like drunks from outbursts of anger and outrage to teary, maudlin sentiment it can be hard to keep up with what we are meant to be feeling about various issues, so we will be rounding up the important issues here every week in our new slot: Six Things That Were Briefly Interesting This Week:
1. What's going on with that dress? Is it gold and white or black and blue? What is the deal with that? Is it an optical illusion or what? Oh, here's some science explaining it. I'm bored with this sciencey bit. Moving on...
2. Oh my God, can you believe they are getting rid of Pink Snacks? Never mind the people out of work, I LOVE Pink Snacks. We always had them when I was a kid. And remember sherbet? And TK Red Lemonade? And Cadet Cola?
Ah, the past. I was happy then, when I was a child. Adult life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. Let's start a petition about Pink Snacks. When did I last have one? Oh, about 20 years ago. But still...
3. Can you believe they are shutting down Bewley's on Grafton Street? I loved old Dublin. We were happy then, before Starbucks and all that. When was I last in Bewley's? Oh years ago. I had a bun with my Mam. Still...
4. What about that David McWilliams arriving at the banking inquiry with his sunglasses on, thinking he's some kind of rock star? He should at least look like a nerd. And he wouldn't even admit ever getting anything wrong. He thinks he's soooo cool. He thinks he's it.
5. AirBnB is creating 200 jobs in Ireland. It has already created two in our house. We live in the shed now and the house is a small hotel. My husband works as the butler and I'm the maid. We pay no taxes on it. We're getting new triple bunk beds for the Ed Sheeran weekend.
Still, though, remember the old B&Bs that were all dusty and full of ornaments. They were great times. And you might even get a pink Snack in the afternoon...
6. Did you see Stephanie Roche and they forcing her into jeans and a belly top on the cover of LIFE magazine - and then Obama inviting her over to the White House on Paddy's Day?
Women's stomachs are shameful. And they made her show off her legs. The poor thing. Athletes should only be seen in tracksuits.
If she was a male soccer player like Ronaldo we wouldn't mention her looks, clothes, anything. With the men we only talk about the sport. And that's how it should be. Sport and glamour and celebrity and showbiz have never mixed. Sure, I mean, the Irish Times had her in THAT dress on the cover but that was only to show off the two lads looking at her legs. They'd have blotted out the legs if they could. Women's bodies should be hidden away.