Poll: News goes on too long
A shock new poll today shows that people have had enough of the current news and would like new, different news. As one respondent put it: "The news at the moment has been going on for far too long. Someone needs to do something about it. I mean, Maurice McCabe, what's all that about? Have they not fired everyone at this stage?"
Indeed, when asked about the ongoing Garda whistleblower scandal, 54pc of people said: "I haven't been able to follow that since about November. What are they even trying to find out any more?", while 33pc said, "What's the deal with that unusual coat Michael McDowell wears walking into Dublin Castle. Is that like some antiquated official barrister get-up or is that actually his real coat and does he think it suits him?". The remaining 13pc said: "Did you see the Spice Girls are reuniting. Interesting to see if their Girl Power philosophy gets new relevance in the era of #timesup. They were the original feminists you know? Zigga Zigga."
When asked about their feelings on the release of the FBI file by Donald Trump, 48pc of people said: "Are we seriously still going on about Donald Trump?" 27pc said: "The Democrats really need to get over Trump now and try and move on," while 25pc said: "Did you see Spencer and Vogue are getting married? Will they invite Pippa O'Connor to the wedding, do you think? I think I read somewhere that Vogue wasn't allowed to go to Pippa's wedding. Oh, that was a different Pippa?"
On Dublin's gangland feud, 67pc of people said: "I totally can't keep up with who all those guys are any more. There's so many of them with all these confusing names. Is yer man Conor McGregor involved now as well? He's loaded isn't he? I heard Louis Vuitton in Las Vegas opens at night specially for him." While 33pc said, "I like that Leo Varadkar. He has funny socks and he tells it like it is. I saw Eoghan Murphy in a wetsuit. He is seriously hot. He can solve my housing crisis anytime."
And on the pressing matter of Brexit, 56pc of people starting humming loudly, put their fingers in their ears and said: "I know I should really care about it but like they totally won't tell us what it is yet so how can I figure out how worried I am. I mean like, is it even happening or what?" While 44pc said: "Did you see that guy Wagner from Hart to Hart is apparently suspected of killing his wife? When they got together it was murder, hah? Would they not just let it lie? They'll be trying to drag JFK into the whole #metoo thing next."
When asked what news they would prefer, 78pc of people said they liked news that lasted a few days or a week at most, was easy to understand and then went away so that they could get worked up about something else. The other 22pc said they didn't know really.