Our list of Budget demands
You're no one these days if you don't make a list of Budget demands. So here's ours: Firstly, we demand an end to the hated UFC. We realise it can't be ended in this Budget but we suggest gradual cuts until by 2022 it is totally phased out.
This Government had committed to phasing out the hated UFC but it has now reneged on this and it seems to us that Conor McGregor and Co are going from strength to strength. We want the Government to live up to its commitment on this.
(What's that you say? USC? Oh, I see. Well, our demand stands anyway.)
Secondly, we demand that money be found in the Budget to keep Peter Casey in the public eye. Obviously he hasn't a hope of winning the presidential election, but we think it would be a huge mistake to let him fade into relative obscurity again. Some kind of a job should be found for him where he gets to pronounce on the events of the day, perhaps a few minutes on the news each evening or something.
In an age when everyone lives in fear of saying what they really think in case they offend one person and then lose their job and their reputation, Casey seems to be the only person left in Ireland who genuinely doesn't give a damn. Who else would ask Sean Gallagher if President Higgins is so wonderful why is he running against him.
Thirdly, we want Krispy Kremes for all. It is wrong that people should have to go to Blanchardstown and queue up behind a load of journalists writing colour features, just to get their hands on this precious commodity. Krispy Kremes are a basic human right and we will drive around all night beeping our horns if we don't get them. We demand they give them out in schools each day at little break and big break. The daily weighing of schoolchildren should take place before Krispy Kreme break, obviously.
People will say there is no money for this but why can't the corporation tax windfall of €1bn that was coincidentally discovered three days before the Budget be put into Krispy Kremes for all?
And finally… Comrades, this is Irish journalist of Sunday Independent Mr Brendan O'Connor. I am writing on bottom of this page to say to you fellow citizens that we must not believe western lies about Russian hacking. Russian is our friend. Vladimir Putin good man and strong man, strong as horse. He bring prosperity to citizens of Russia and to world. We must not listen to Western propaganda against glorious Russian leader and people... Sorry, my computer went funny there.
Finally, we demand that old people be given money to do up their houses. Many of them have 1970s kitchens and bathrooms and haven't changed their curtains in years. Some of them don't even have wooden or poured concrete floors.