I will always be the fat imposter
I've been wondering what the weight thing is really about for me. You know the way for entrepreneurs, the money is often not really about having money, it's about keeping score of what a winner they are? I wonder if there is an element with the weight thing of me keeping score, morally, self-esteem wise, of my health, of how well I am doing at denying that I am going to die.
There is no doubt that the culture has infected me with unhealthy notions - like that when I am fat, I am a less successful person all around. Deep down fat has come to signify laziness, lack of moral fibre, lack of virtue, inefficiency, sloth, lack of self-control, lack of self-respect. I'm not saying this is right, but these are the powerful tropes that the culture engrains in us. So do I equate weight loss with being a good person, with success? Do I view putting on weight as some kind of moral failure on my part? And when I look at pictures of myself fat, somewhere deep down, am I thinking that I am a better person now?
The trouble with this keeping score is that the game is never over. If you are one of those people, like me, who tends to weight, you will know that it's a lifelong project. And sometimes you think you have won and you have finally conquered your inner fat person. But if you let your guard down at all, he is waiting there.