Monday 25 March 2019

Charles and The Fishmonger

 

Prince Charles, Prince of Wales and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall meet fishmonger Pat OConnell as they visit the English Market on June 14, 2018 in Cork, Ireland. Photo: Getty
Prince Charles, Prince of Wales and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall meet fishmonger Pat OConnell as they visit the English Market on June 14, 2018 in Cork, Ireland. Photo: Getty
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

Buckingham Palace, Monday morning. As is customary, Charles reports to the Queen to get his orders for the week.

Queen: "Charles, I need you to go to Ireland."

Charles: "But Ma'am, I've been to Ireland."

Queen: "Charles, who's the Queen here, and who is the heir? And who wants to get a year or two on the throne before your more popular children take over? So who should do what the Queen tells him?"

Charles: "But Ma'am, I'm a grown man. I'm nearly 70. I should be allowed do what I want."

Queen: "Charles, this is important business. One's government wants you to go to Ireland. The peasants are revolting, and Johnny Foreigner right across Europe is on their side. So we need you to go."

Charles: "And do what?"

Queen: "They need you to go and meet The Fishmonger. They think that will solve everything."

Charles: "The what? Why is he called The Fishmonger?"

Queen: "Because his cover is that he's a fishmonger. He operates out of a base in the English Market in Cork. But we suspect he actually runs the country. When I went over it seemed very important to them that I went to this market. I told them. I said I don't need to get any groceries. I'm staying in a hotel. But they said I had to go there, and meet this man, The Fishmonger."

Charles: "And what did he say?''

Queen: "Well this is it. He just seemed to pass the time of day. Made a few jokes, welcomed me, etc. But MI5 and 6 are still working on it. They think he was saying something in code. We just haven't figured it out yet. And when I was there, after I spoke to him, all the media crowded around him and asked him what he thought of me. So he is clearly very important. So they want you to go, and they suspect he might give you the key to unlock the code, or maybe even a few more clues."

Charles: "What should I say?"

Queen: "Just do your usual small talk. The important thing is to listen for clues. Also he may give you or that woman Camilla some fish, maybe smoked salmon, in a bag. You need to bring that back. There may be something written on the fish. Don't mess with it, and under no circumstances should you eat it. Then you can go on to Kerry, just to make it look as if you didn't just come to see The Fishmonger. You'll like Kerry. They think they're God's chosen people and that Kerry is the Kingdom."

Charles: "And are they?"

Queen: "No, everyone just lets them think that. The irony is the people of Cork just next door are actually God's chosen people and Cork is the Kingdom. And they know it. But they're too modest to say anything. Run along now."

Sunday Independent

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