Wednesday 16 October 2019

Brexit: An Idiot's Guide


'Brexit is Brexit. Apart from that, no one knows yet.' Stock photo: PA Wire/PA Images
'Brexit is Brexit. Apart from that, no one knows yet.' Stock photo: PA Wire/PA Images
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

How to use this guide: This is not your usual idiot's guide. Normally, an idiot's guide is a guide for idiots.

This one is different in that it was actually done by an idiot. This is in honour of the fact that Brexit itself was also done by idiots. If you suspect something in this guide is wrong, you may be right. Who can be sure? Because let's face it, none of us really understand it all.

Why do this guide?

We did this guide because it became clear to us that while many people are pretending to understand Brexit, and while some of them can even speak impressively on various aspects of it, most people, even the politicians and the people on the news, don't quite understand how all the bits fit together. This guide is an attempt to take everything we don't know about Brexit and put it together.

What is Brexit?

Brexit is Brexit. Apart from that, no one knows yet.

Is it actually going to happen?

That depends really. Hard to say. It probably will at this stage purely because we are coming up to the deadline, but in reality, who can say?

Is Brexit going well?

Yes. It's going very well. Any idiot can tell you that.

Are there any problems with Brexit?

Yes. Ireland is the major problem right now. But we can rest assured that the whole of Europe is right behind us. They stand by us, like they have in the past. And they will not let anything bad happen to us, like they haven't in the past. And just in case their support was lagging, Leo brought a copy of The Irish Times when he went to dinner with them all last week. Merkel and Macron left to go for a beer at this point.

Should I be preparing for Brexit?

No. Look around you. Nobody is. England isn't even preparing. And they're the ones doing Brexit. If you see them starting to prepare, that might be a good time to start preparing. Most people in Ireland were fairly casual about the whole thing until last week when it emerged that we might lose a few channels from our Sky over Brexit. But relax. There are no indications that Netflix will be affected.

How should I prepare for Brexit?

If we knew that, we'd be doing it ourselves. Have you not read the earlier parts of the guide? We don't know what Brexit is. So it would be a waste of time to prepare now. Best to just wait and we will do it all in a calamitous rush at the end.

What do they mean when they say Britain will stay in a customs union for a while?

A customs union is where everyone has the same customs. So this means Britain will continue to celebrate Halloween, Christmas and things like Mother's Day, for the time being at least.

Do you actually know anything about Brexit?

No. Not really. No.

Sunday Independent

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