Sunday 17 December 2017

Peonies, barn owls and vibrating beds – the garden show was a visual feast

THERE was this non-stop tape of repetitive Irish music playing at the entrance. I thought I was going to go mad. A woman with bigger boobs than a porn actress bumped me out of the way. It was busy. Like shops in sale time. It was the Mallow Garden Show. The biggest in Ireland, with over 50,000 visitors. I was swept along through the greenery like a twig in a flood.

A man doing the crossword was sitting at a stall selling ponies.

I had an another look but I couldn't see any small horses. The man doing the crossword didn't look up. There were big crowds milling around and here he was doing the frigging crossword. No way he was going to sell anything. No way would he would lick anyone's arse or beg. Too independent, he was. You'd have to call him from the puzzle. He must have been a supporter of Clare Daly's.

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