Saturday 21 April 2018

How to save Christmas from violent soaps and plasticated turkeys

"My dad used to say we had only two days off a year in the pub. The other day was Good Friday, which wasn’t much fun" Photo:PA
Billy Keane

Billy Keane

Here are a few tips to make Christmas that bit easier on all concerned (and even those who aren't in the least bit concerned about the season that's in it.

First, do not under any circumstances drink too much red wine. There should be a warning on the bottle and it must read: "This is fruit juice, but not really, and drinking too much on the big day ruins it for everyone."

It might seem that bit strange for a publican to advocate abstinence or moderation, but we do. The pubs in England are open on Christmas Day. We're closed, or at least most of us are - or should be. It's bad form opening up pubs on Christmas Day.

Please sign in or register with Independent.ie for free access to Opinions.

Sign In

Today's news headlines, directly to your inbox every morning.

Don't Miss