Monday 18 November 2019

Churchy Crowe, high priest

Russell Crowe
Russell Crowe
Stephen Fry

I recently watched Darren Aronofsky's Noah. It was a bit of a head trip but I liked it, especially the rock monsters (and Jennifer Connolly too), although I thought that Noah was a bit of a dick, what with the whole, 'Oh, I'm gonna kill my grandkids because God told me so!!' shtick. But then a lot of those 'churchy' types are dicks - it's probably why Noah was played by Russell Crowe (or Moses by Christian 'I'll scream and shout at whoever I damn please' Bale).

Crowe's dickishness is long established with a litany of dickish behaviour, including fighting in a fancy restaurant and using a mobile phone as a make-shift hand grenade to frag some poor sod in a New York hotel. If dickishness were a religion, well then Crowe would be a top cleric, an 'Archdick' so to speak, although given his most recent commandment, he may be more than that.

In a recent interview Crowe said that middle-aged actresses should stop complaining about how they can't get roles they used to and should act their age. At first you may not think that too dickish a thing to say. But when you consider that while talented middle-aged actresses have struggled for roles, a 60-year-old Sly Stallone played Rocky, a near 70-year-old Harrison Ford played Indiana Jones, or that Arnie, two years shy of 70 (how old does that make you feel) has reprised his role as the Terminator, then you realise how inconsiderate Crowe's comments are. And if there's one thing a dick is, it's inconsiderate.

Christopher Jackson

Palin has gone to the dogs

Sarah Palin is in the dog house for sharing some touching domestic snaps on social media.

When the former Alaskan governor is involved, it has to be something crazier than cute baby pictures or grumpy cat photos. Instead she shared snaps on Facebook of her son Trig using the family dog as a stepping stone. The dog Jill is a service dog for Palin's little boy who has Down syndrome.

Palin thought it was so funny she posted it as part of her New Year's message. But while she's cool with dogs backs being used as stepping stones, it just got a lot of other groups' backs up. Animal welfare groups like PETA accused the former Vice-Presidential candidate of being a 'callous mother.'

She likes nothing better than defending the indefensible. "Trig's service dog is a strong, trained dog that does really, really love his best buddy Trig, and they put up with each other and there was no harm at all to this dog."

When she's in a corner Palin targets others, particularly her nemesis President Obama. She hit back by saying Trig 'didn't eat the dog' unlike President Obama. He once admitted to eating dog when he lived in Indonesia as a child.

Maybe she should take a lead from Obama on this one, and eat humble pie for once!

Will Hanafin

Equal mismatches for all

There's something about Stephen Fry's impending marriage that, to use John Water's phrase (about something else entirely), warms the cockles of the heart. Because finally we have a famous gay man who is doing what famous straight men have done for millennia and punching way, way above his division in the looks department.

Up to now famous gays have tediously well matched on this score - think Elton and David Furnish, George Michael and that guy - while their straight equivalent get to date lingerie models, hot aspiring actresses etc. Straight men got to be horny old goats while gay men got to be Bert and Ernie. This might seem like it's quite a sweet way to carry on - "they must have married for love" - but in fact it acts as an enormous disincentive to the wider gay population (Why bother become wildly successful? You'll still have to date the dud next door). As Fry himself once said, every man from the Nobel Prize winners on down, excelled chiefly with a view to getting laid more.

We can only hope that this will usher in an era of inappropriate age differences in gay relationships. The campaign starts here. We need to create some sort of ribbon that people can wear on their lapels to support it. If lovely crumpety old Stephen Fry is entitled to a younger, hotter boyfriend, then so are the rest of us.

Donal Lynch

Irish politics simply isn't fair to the fairer sex

If there was ever a good time for a politician to be caught cheating on his wife, this is it. Found to be playing away from home, the culprit could always just insist: "Me? A love rat? How dare you! I was simply, er, reaching out to women in the interests of the party." Then cough discreetly and quickly change the subject.

It's certainly worth a try. Both Fianna Fail and Fine Gael are currently engaged in a desperate search for female candidates to stand in the forthcoming election - and by "forthcoming", we obviously mean any time between now and the middle of next year, though that isn't going to stop the chattering classes talking about it every ruddy minute of every day.

Currently, FF has only two female Soldiers of Destiny in the Oireachtas, and neither of them sits in the Dail. FG also has a shortage of members of the fairer sex, a problem which wasn't exactly helped by kicking out former minister Lucinda Creighton or indeed the habit of male TDs to pull passing females onto their laps during late-night debates.

Whatever the reason, FF faces a huge fine if it doesn't find 27 women soon. Most FFers have never seen that many women gathered in one place at the same time, except to play camogie or make the sandwiches for the lads at the Ploughing Championships.

What's funny is that politicians are taking the flak, rather than voters, who could've easily filled the Dail with ladies by putting a cross next to their names on the ballot paper when they had the chance. Still, it's always more fun blaming someone else, eh?

Eilis O'Hanlon





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