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Basic B*tch: Baby talk

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Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner

Christopher Smith/Invision/AP/Sh

Kendall Jenner

I am very much an afternoon person, socialising-wise - I struggle to stay awake before midday and after 4pm. But the problem with daylight hours is that they are absolutely heaving with babies. Unless I sit facing the wall, there is a good chance that there will be a 10/10 cute baby right in my eye-line. Or near-periphery.

It's hard being a nearly 30-year-old woman in a long-term monogamous relationship who is really, really into babies. I adore babies, any babies, all babies - even the ugly ones; even the ones who are always sticky. I have never seen a fat little baby fist that I didn't want to just put in my mouth.

I may be a joyless bitch for 99pc of people I meet, but that's because 99pc of the people I meet are adults, and adults are terrible. I'm not a person who can sit near an A+ giggling baby and just carry on with my life: I see a tiny foot with its sock fallen off and I just want to hold it in my hand and rub it like a lovely smooth beach stone.

I've been this way for as long as I can remember - it was adorable when I was eight, surprising when I got to 13, terrifying for my parents a couple of years later, and then simply a quirk for everyone, apart from alarmed boyfriends.

But now I'm basically 30, it's taken on a kind of tragic colour. The fact that I obviously love babies, but don't have any, is a red flag in a woman of my advanced years.

The mothers of the various babies I commune with in public used to regard me with amused disinterest, now it's a kind of tight compassion, a benevolent pity, as they imagine the terrible circumstances that could have left me so pathetic a figure. They almost can't look directly at me.

It's hard being a nearly 30-year old woman in a long-term monogamous relationship who is really, really into babies. Because I really, really don't want a baby. Not now. Not yet.

No one believes me. It'll kick in... right?

 

So Over... Abundance

It's all about limiting these days - meat; calories;  screen time; consumption... And yes, less probably is more, but a judgey tone is creeping in. We don't just fat-shame now, we stuff-shame and  clutter-shame, too. Enter Kendall Jenner, pictured, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Katy Perry, et al - all keen to  show us how streamlined their lives are.

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