Monday 27 January 2020

Basic b*tch: A home-fragrance gift guide

I always thought that candles were something you bought for women who had given up on joy
I always thought that candles were something you bought for women who had given up on joy

Ciara O'Connor

Pot-pourri: For that special social climber in your life. Have you heard? It's very chic now. You know this because you can now spend from €80 to €400 on it. An eco-friendly and exclusive way to tell someone you hate them and wish they were dead - as dead as these spooky flowers in a jar.

There's something undeniably macabre about pot-pourri. Leave the price on to really f*ck with them - let them imagine all the ways the money could have been better spent. Remember, you're not splashing out on the pourri itself, but on passive-aggressive psychological warfare.

Gaze upon it in their bathroom, covered in a thin film of dust and poo-particles. Suggest they hoover it by putting a stocking over the nozzle so it doesn't suck up any precious petals.

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Reed diffusers: A little-known fact about reed diffusers is that no one knows how they actually work: they are one of those phenomenon, like dark matter, crop circles, and the popularity of Ed Sheeran, that science cannot yet account for.

Indeed, the thing with reed diffusers is that no one is quite sure whether they work at all. But a striking reed diffuser is certainly a head turner, and almost guaranteed to make someone say, "Oh, is that a reed diffuser?" "Yes," you will say, wearing some manner of cream cashmere house-cardigan, "It's a reed diffuser."

Candles: I always thought that candles were something you bought for women who had given up on joy - but as I approach 30, I realise that candles are quite nice, actually. At Christmas, there are only two types of candles: Jo Malone, and not Jo Malone. A Jo Malone candle says: I had to spend money on you. This is not a gift, this is debt collection. I owe you. And I need to know that you know that I have paid.

Lime, Basil and Mandarin: this person is a stranger. Pomegranate Noir: this person is your wife. Any other flavour: "I think I'm great".

A Yankee candle, in a scent that is not a scent, like 'Whiskers on Kittens' or 'Soft Blanket': for women who have given up on joy.

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