We're yours for the taking, Lizzie

March 06 2011 04:43 AM

So, after years of footsie and foreplay, and numerous false starts, the Queen is finally coming. And overall we're thrilled. Some guy called Brian Cowen spoke very highly of the news.

To which we all responded, slightly puzzled, "Are you still here?" And even Lord Gerry Adams is finding it hard to get that worked up. It is a sign, Lord Gerry, says, of changing and changed times. It certainly is. The Queen used to be the woman we blamed for hijacking our sovereignty. But she looks like a benign figure next to Angela Merkel, who really taught us what it's like to lose our sovereignty. That 800 years of oppression was nothing compared to the next 800 we're facing into courtesy of our friends in Europe.

The Queen will find this a strangely familiar country: an unlikely coalition government that's shedding its principles by the day, high streets where only the biggest UK chains survive, and children everywhere playing the national sport -- cricket. We too will find her strangely familiar. "Isn't that your one? Yes. It is. I'm sure of it. She's the woman I saw on the banknotes when I went up North to open my sterling bank account."

While we will probably stop short of handing Lizzie back the keys, we will doubtless be cosying up to her to try and get back into the commonwealth. We might even encourage her to start up the empire again. It would certainly beat our current status as a peripheral wart on the Franco-German empire. At least the old empire eventually gave us a modicum of local autonomy over our affairs, whereas our new bosses are practising a very direct kind of rule.

The Queen will also be pleasantly surprised to see that the country is still covered in rundown estates, the ruins of the glory days, when we ruled the world. She will be glad to see too that the estates that aren't completely abandoned to ghosts are still populated by peasants who have been sold into serfdom for the rest of their lives, paying off debts to absentee landlords, which we now refer to as bondholders. Indeed, if Philip expresses an interest in going shooting in a country estate while he is here we could perhaps send him down to Limerick.

The Queen will no doubt sympathise with our plight. She and her firm are heavily into the property game themselves and she had a few rocky years recently. But like our own property barons, she no doubt finds that handouts from the taxpayer are helping her get through the hard times. Indeed, perhaps we could interest the Queen in picking up a few bargains while she's here.

According to the papers there's a €32m shopping centre in Castleblayney that would only set you back one or two million now. We can explain to her that in the long-term, property is going to come back. Because you do get the impression that the Queen's firm are long-term investors (remember how long they held onto the place the last time they acquired it).

And if she likes the Castleblayney shopping centre we probably have a few more around the place going cheap. And we could do her some hotels, a few offices blocks. Hell, for the right price we could probably throw in the whole place.

We're yours for the taking, Lizzie

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