Wednesday 11 December 2019

The Week-ipedia: Well, one would never go on Ryanair

Michael O'Leary
Michael O'Leary
Kim Bielenberg

Kim Bielenberg

We are heartily relieved that Ryanair's Michael O'Leary, inset, has apologised for his uncouth quip about making love to the queen.

He told the British-Ireland Parliamentary Assembly (a glorified bunfight if ever there was one): "This reminds me of making love to the queen of England – you know it is a great honour, you're just not sure how much pleasure it is going to be."

One imagines what Her Majesty's response might be – "Are you taking the Michael, Mr O'Leary? One would never go on Ryanair."

* Speaking of the British-Irish body, we were reminded this week that current TDs and MPs are models of decorum compared to their 19th-century counterparts.

The London Times recalled unruly scenes at Westminster during the 1893 Irish Home Rule debate. As Irish MP TP O'Connor shouted "Judas", another member John Logan was "grabbed round the neck, pummelled in the stomach and bundled under the bench".

Edward Saunderson threw a punch at Nationalist Eugene Crean, but instead hit another MP, resulting in a full-scale brawl as members jumped on other MPs' backs.

It's just what we need in the Dáil to boost Oireachtas TV's disappointing ratings.

Good Week

U2

It was announced that the band's album The Joshua Tree is being preserved for posterity in the US Library of Congress. It brings the total number of recordings to 400.

A spokesman said: "These recordings represent an important part of America's culture and history." And here's us thinking they were Irish.

Gary Neville

The Sky Sports pundit and former Manchester United player was flummoxed when asked to choose between Liverpool and Manchester City in an upcoming match. For poor old Gary it was not an easy decision to make. . . "It's like having a choice between two blokes to nick your wife."

Bad Week

Lego

A Polish priest confirmed what many have long suspected – Lego is the favourite tool of Satan. He claimed it is being used to brainwash kids to worship dark forces. Father Kostrzewa is upset by evil Lego Zombies and Monster Fighters. As the man said, the devil is in the detail.

Wikileaks

An Iraqi gentleman living in Germany was banned from naming his son Wikileaks under guidelines aimed at sparing children future embarrassment. Monikers that are likely to invite ridicule are banned.

Mind you, it's cruel to give a kid a name like that – and my son WhatsApp agrees.

Headline of the Week

I MARRIED MY MUGGER – AS HE TOOK MY PHONE HE STOLE MY HEART

– Sunday Sport

Quotables

"I was very lucky with my first wife and probably a bit unlucky with my second."

Michael Smurfit, who has just published a new autobiography

TwittEire

Some broadcasters are so sensitive, and even like RTÉ to spell their name right.

@daraobriain

Dear RTÉ, if you'd like me to come on a show to talk about being Irish in Britain, try not to call me Daire O'Brien throughout the e-mail.

Don't worry if you have run out of money. There is an upside.

@hiredknave

"Dad... are we poor?" "No, son We were poor before. Now we are competitive."

#Liveline listeners had to cope with the sacrilege of GAA being shown on Sky.

@trjh

Sky is a den of sin, Joe. How could the holy GAA associate with it, Joe?

And the bugging story moved from garda stations to prisons

@walkcork

What does this button do? Oh, shit, I've just inadvertently recorded 84 conversations between prisoners and their solicitors. #gardatapes

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