Sunday 25 August 2019

Italian stallion could teach our Biffo a thing or two

You're very quiet. What are you reading? I've never seen you so engrossed in a newspaper unless it was wrapped around chips and a batterburger.

I'm glued to this foreign affairs story. Yer man is only brilliant. He's a complete hero and the coolest politician in the world. No wonder his people love him.

Yes, Barack Obama is truly a giant among world leaders, his status having been enhanced by his masterly keynote speech on the Middle East and more recently by his robust response to the post-election turmoil in Iran.

No, not him. I'm talking about the Italian Stallion, Silvio Burlesque. What a headbanger. Just look at him -- he's short and ugly, with a face that would stop a clock. And his hair is as black as soot even though he's 72 -- sure he must be dipping the fleece nearly every week. But even still the young wans are all over him like he's Brat Pitt.

I take it you are referring to the Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, who is embroiled at the present with a particularly spectacular bimbo eruption?

The very lad. Look at the state of him, and yet his gaff would put the Playboy mansion to shame. His missus must be some class of a saint to put up with it all.

Au contraire. In fact Silvio's long-suffering wife Veronica Lario threw in the marital towel last month. Nor did she do it quietly. First she wrote an open letter to Silvio in an Italian paper, giving out yards about all the coincidentally young, attractive females that Silvio had chosen to run in the European elections. Then shortly afterwards she filed for divorce after her husband popped up at a girl's 18th birthday party, claiming she couldn't stay with a man who "consorts with minors" and "is not well".

Janey mack. Did he admit to being a naughty boy?

He did in his hat. Silvio swore up and down that he knew 18-year-old Noemi Letizia only through her father, even though it later transpired that the lassie spent a week last January at Silvio's Sardinian villa without her parents.

Maybe he's just a good host?

An excellent host, judging by the stream of call girls who have suddenly popped out of the woodwork to reveal details about all sorts of shenanigans at Silvio's villa and his residence in Rome.

He can't be too happy with that escort girl Patrizia D'Addario. The one who blabbed to everyone that she was paid €1,000 to attend one of the parties where Silvio told her to "wait in the big bed".

Indeed. Silvio has claimed that the allegations are political mischief-making, and he declared, "I have never paid a woman. I never understood what the satisfaction is when you are missing the pleasure of conquest".

He's some boyo. The Italian people who elected him must be morto.

Not at all. His popularity remains sky-high.

Jaysis. Maybe Biffo could improve his rating with a scandal like this?

Errr. I hardly think so. It's unlikely that the expression 'when in Rome' would cut much ice in Tullamore or anywhere else.

True, but it's much better craic than reading about bloody Lisbon.

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