Sunday 17 December 2017

Boring Kearney: The imagined life and times of Ireland's most eligible ruggers by our favourite parody

21st century man

8 March 2014; A general view of the match ball. RBS Six Nations Rugby Championship, Ireland v Italy. Aviva Stadium, Lansdowne Road, Dublin. Picture credit: Stephen McCarthy / SPORTSFILE
8 March 2014; A general view of the match ball. RBS Six Nations Rugby Championship, Ireland v Italy. Aviva Stadium, Lansdowne Road, Dublin. Picture credit: Stephen McCarthy / SPORTSFILE

Boring Kearney

People often wonder what it's like to be a professional rugby player, so we have decided to give an insight into the exciting lives of Rob and Dave. Being a professional rugby player can be a pretty glamorous life.

There is plenty of time off to get the housework done, there's the ironing and the washing to do and there's the great perks like getting free tickets to the knitting and stitching show in the RDS every November. However it's not all glitz and glam, being away in training camp a lot means we are not at home every week for bin day. Also the smell of damp can also get into the house when we are away on international duty.

Our boss Matt is very good though and he understands that we have lives away from the rugby pitch, like last week, we got a new washing machine and Dave had to ask Matt for the day off to sit in and wait for its delivery, which he thoroughly enjoyed.

When we are in camp it can be a lot of fun, like when we were in France for the French match, me and Dave put our shorts in the trouser press, it was hilarious! We all get on really well as a team and we had a great Six Nations. Before the French match it was my turn to pick the music for the team bus. I really wanted to get the players pumped up for the match so I played my Best of Aqua CD, I think it worked because the lads seemed very angry by the time we arrived at the stadium and I suspect it was due to the upbeat nature of the music.

This year will be a sad year as Brian is retiring, I think Brian will miss playing because I asked him and he said he would miss playing so I concluded that he will miss playing. It has been great having Dave in the Ireland team this year and we get up to all sorts of shenanigans like the time we were in camp and Dave switched Brian's black socks for really, really dark navy socks, Brian still hasn't found out and all this time he has been wearing really, really dark navy socks thinking they were black! I can't look at Brian the same anymore! I think since Donnacha isn't in the panel anymore me and Dave would be the biggest messers in the team.

I think Fergus would be the party animal in the team, he normally doesn't go to bed until half ten and he would still be up in the morning at nine, I don't know how he does it.

In our spare time, me and Dave enjoy cooking and cleaning and this time of year we enjoy a bit of weeding too. As we live together we usually do a big shop on Friday which does us for the week but sometimes we have to pick up a few bits throughout the week. Rugby is a very demanding sport but due to the hectic lives we lead sometime we don't get to bed until 8pm. To relax we normally take some surveys or check out the fine array of fire exits Dublin has to offer.

Our favourite place to hang out at the weekend would probably be Harvey Norman or Ikea, we do enjoy soft furnishings. This weekend we didn't have a match because we got knocked out of the Heineken cup so it was a great opportunity to varnish our garden fence, it's amazing how hard the winter weather can be on timber based products.

At times its difficult to juggle everything, me and Dave are also farmers, so between feeding the cows and getting a couple of loads of washing out on the line it can be difficult to make the matches at all.

My favourite TV show would probably be the Six One News, there is lots of variety in it and you really don't know what's going to happen next. The Nine O'Clock news is on way too late. We also enjoy Heartbeat and the Oireachtas Report which can be edge of the seat stuff at times. To get pumped up for big matches we normally listen to James Blunt. We like to collect receipts and we really enjoy carrying out quarterly audits on our discretionary spend.

We have a big week ahead as we have bought a new clothes line so weather permitting, we can't wait to try that out, the crazy life of a professional rugby player never ends.

Twitter account @BoringKearney

First published in INSIDER Magazine, exclusive to Thursday’s Irish Independent

First published in INSIDER Magazine, exclusive to Thursday's Irish Independent

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