‘We’re out the door busy in Men’s Aid at the moment. Lockdown has brought a lot of domestic violence to the forefront and we’ve seen a 40pc increase in contacts to our service since 2019.
e support men living in violent or abusive homes, from the ages of 18 to 80 and beyond. At the moment, 95pc of the men who contact Men’s Aid are being abused by a female partner, while 5pc are in a same-sex relationship.
We know that one in three victims of domestic abuse is a man but it’s still really, really hidden. Men feel emasculated when they talk about it. They think, ‘Who’s going to believe me? Look at the size of me and look at the size of my partner’. Or else, ‘Everybody loves her. She’s the life and soul of the party and nobody will believe it’s happening’.
When I tell people where I work, I still hear things like, ‘Really? That happens to men?’ They can’t believe it. I think there’s a perception in society that this only happens to women and, to be honest, I thought that myself at one point.
My brain didn’t automatically think of a woman being abusive to a man, or a man being abusive to another man in a same-sex relationship, or a mother being abusive to a son.
I’ve worked in both areas of domestic abuse and violence. For five years I worked with women and children in a refuge. While working there I would often get calls from men looking for support, and there was no support for them.
From working in both areas, I’ve seen the subtle differences between male and female abusers. When I worked with women who were being abused, the male perpetrator tended to be more violent. This isn’t to say that female abusers aren’t violent — I’ve worked with men who’ve been stabbed and had boiling water thrown over them — but there tends to be more psychological abuse (when the perpetrator is female). When I’m working with men who are being abused, more of the severe violence tends to happen when they’re vulnerable — often when the man is asleep or he has his back turned.
When men get in contact with us, the first thing they’ll usually talk about is the mental torture and the constant, day-after-day putdowns — ‘You’re useless, look at the size of you, who’d want you?’
When I ask if there is violence in the relationship, they will generally say no. But then, as we get to the end of the call, they might say, ‘Well, she throws things at me every now and again’ or ‘There’s been a few slaps but I’m okay with that’.
They don’t see the violence as significantly as when I’m working with a woman who is being abused. The first thing she will talk about is the violence, whereas it’s the last thing a man will talk about.
And men will usually play it down and make excuses for their partner’s behaviour. They’ll say, ‘It’s not her fault, she grew up in an abusive household’. Or if she comes from a different country, they’ll say, ‘It’s her culture, she doesn’t mean to do it’.
And then they’ll often blame themselves. They’ll say, ‘Can you show me how to not be so annoying to her?’. They try to change themselves because they don’t realise that it is not their fault and there is nothing they can do to change her behaviour.
There tends to be more violence, sexual abuse and murder when the perpetrator is male, while female perpetrators are more inclined to use coercive control and make false allegations. They say things like, ‘If you don’t do as I say, I’ll tell everyone you’re the abuser. I’ll go to court and get a domestic abuse order and they’ll believe me because I’m the woman’. Or they’ll say, ‘If you leave, you’ll never see the children again’. Some men feel like they can’t leave the relationship because she has threatened suicide.
Men are also starting to open up about sexual abuse. We have men who are talking about being humiliated in the bedroom; men talking about taking Viagra against their will; men talking about having objects used on them by their female partners.
The first time a man contacts us can be quite scary for them. We get a lot of hang-ups and they might do that a few times before they build up the courage to talk about it. It’s very difficult to talk about domestic abuse, especially for men.
We get a lot of men calling us from their cars or their local parks. When a man needs to flee a domestic violence situation, there is nowhere for him to go. At the moment, we don’t have a refuge or safe beds for men in this country. Not one.
Before lockdown, men would go and stay in a parents’ house for a couple of nights, or maybe sofa surf before going back into the home, hoping things had calmed down. But then, because of social distancing, they couldn’t do that. We were dealing with men who were sleeping in their cars and in fields, just to get some respite.
We also get a lot of neighbours calling, saying, ‘I see her screaming at him every day. Is there anything I can do to help him?’
If you’re worried about a friend or colleague, you might notice that they have lost weight or they’ve become dishevelled. They might be coming into work late all the time, or else they’re coming in early because they don’t want to be at home.
With domestic abuse, there are a lot of red flags, a very fast relationship being a big one. In some cases, the couple are living together within four weeks, and four weeks after that she’s pregnant. Or she constantly needs to know where you are and who you’re with. She might say, ‘Why do you need to go out with your friends? If you loved me you’d stay with me all the time’.
There might be jealousy when you talk to a female colleague, or a male colleague if you’re in a same-sex relationship. Or she/he might be tracking your phone or looking at your social media and asking, ‘Why did she like your photograph?’
In other cases, she might try to embarrass you in front of your friends or family. It’s a constant chipping away at yourself and your soul so that you have no self-confidence, and you have no control then.
People are starting to understand that women can be abusers too, and we’re making progress. But still, we have to get the message out to men. You don’t have to live like this. There is help out there. You will get to see your children again — that’s not up to her.
You can ring us confidentially and you don’t have to give us your name. We will believe you, and we will support you in any way we possibly can.”
If you have been affected by the issues
in this article you can contact
Men’s Aid at mensaid.ie or on (01) 554 3811
As told to Katie Byrne
