Thursday 22 March 2018

Well, Hello there, 2016

Ireland boss Martin O'Neill. Photo:
Ireland boss Martin O'Neill. Photo:
Padraig Pearse. Photo: getty
Sharon Horgan.
Katie Taylor.
Enda Kenny.

Pat Fitzpatrick

As another year dawns, our man has a look into his crystal ball and predicts the people who will dominate in 2016.


Bonjour France - 200,000 Irish soccer fans are heading for your town. Nous sommes tres jolies as long as you don't have to sit next to us on the train. (We're not as funny as we think we are.) Our advice is to take a holiday in Ireland. Every house in the country will be available on Airbnb for June. We'll leave the telly remote on the kitchen table. That way you'll be able to tune in and watch live shots of grown men in Glasgow Celtic jerseys pissing on your lawn. Magnifique!


Here's what we know about The Men of 1916. They weren't women. (The feminists will be very hot on that every time someone uses the term The Men of 1916.) They were so selfless in the pursuit of freedom that they worked through a bank holiday. (You've got to want it, guys.) And, above all else, they have very big graves. That's important, because they had to be able to turn in them every time someone said anything nice about the Brits. Or suggested we might change a bit.


Time to stop calling her Shane Horgan's sister. The writer and star of Channel 4's Catastrophe is the biggest name on British telly with an Irish accent. (Graham Norton now sounds like a voiceover for Harrods.) Sharon's character in Catastrophe is all sex, booze, tears and laughter. Or as we still call it back home, Saturday night. Worse again, she's an Irish woman who works outside the home and loves London. Turn, you Men of 1916, turn.


It's an Olympic year, so all eyes will be on Katie in Rio. Of course, there is a large cloud hanging over the Olympics because of recent doping scandals. There is only one solution. We should drug the spectators. Who cares about the size of the winner in the women's shot put? The important thing is you just ate a hash cake. Bear in mind that men's walking looks hilarious at the best of times. So if you are planning to take acid and watch Rob Heffernan, here's our advice. Wear a nappy.


Here's how to interpret politician-speak before this year's General Election. "I've seen the poll results, but we're encouraged by what we're hearing on the doorsteps." Translation: "Shite. Anyone know where I can get a job?" "I think the electorate likes the work done by this Government and this will show on polling day." Translation: "We'll be grand as long as house prices keep going up. Irish people are complete gobshites, thank God."

Sunday Independent

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