Monday 23 April 2018

Tinder - 'I can say now with certainty that I'm never going to meet the man of my dreams on it '


Katy Harrington

I have decided to adopt a different tactic with Tinder.

 I can say now with a fair amount of certainty that I'm never going to meet the man of my dreams on it so rather than a dating app, I'm just using it for my personal amusement.

This is callous and bitchy of course but what can I say, I am callous and bitchy. Also, I just can't bring myself to respond to one more 'Hi Kate. Any plans for the weekend?' message so I may as well have fun. At first I feel a little bad about being rude to these nice boys who have taken the time out of their busy days to send me a little message, but really only for about a second or two.

It begins with Paul.

Paul writes: "Hi my name's Paul. So to steer away from the norm and get to know you can I ask if you had to be a superhero which one would you choose?". I shouldn't be mean to Paul, Paul's trying to be friendly, but I can't help myself so I reply, "What a thought provoking and original question Paul, I think I'd choose any of the superheroes who had super strength and could punch through walls, because that's what I feel like doing right now."

And before you say it I know, I'm going to rot in lonely hell but it's so much more fun than telling someone that you're planning a quiet weekend because it's January and you are off the booze.

Next up is Patrick, an American who messages me at 4.43am. "Patrick", I say, "a 4.43 message. Is everything ok at home love?" Patrick swoops right back with "Haha, yeah, I guess I'm a night owl". "Or a drunk", I say, and that's the end of that one.

Next victim! This time it's Tom who also goes for a 'quirky' opening gambit.

Him: "Hey, guess what I just found?"

Me: "A girlfriend?"

And so another one bites the dust.

Then there's an Irish guy who tells me his parents' have moved to a new house with a nicer view of Limerick. I tell him there's no such thing, and then quite rightly he disappears too.

Less catastrophising, more memes and tips

By Aine O'Connor

I saw a photo that claimed to be one of the saddest we'd ever see. It was of a group of teenagers in the Prado museum who were, instead of looking at the Rembrandt in front of them, crowded around a phone. The children in the painting were studying, the children in the photograph were looking at an electronic device was the general lament of the piece. 

Stuff like that makes me mad. Not the kids and the phone but the spanners who decide it's all apocalyptic and tragic. Apart from the fact that real sadness is things that happen to actual people, who's to say the kids hadn't already looked at the painting? And if not what teenager in the history of the world was that interested in art really? And besides, the kids in the painting were studying because they were rich enough not to have to work down a mine and they probably died of smallpox or in childbirth. Change is not inherently bad, the past was not inherently better no matter the message of all that catastrophising crap.

I confess that I'm as bad with my phone as any young un. You know those people who say, "Oh, I didn't bring my phone."? That to me is equivalent of, "Oh, I didn't bring my hands." Cos like you know, nothing is real unless it's been googled. Most of my life is lived through my phone although admittedly even I was concerned when I caught myself standing in front of a cupboard typing "Do we have rechargeable batteries?"

There are of course drawbacks to the internet and to mass social media access other than the mass catastrophising. Another is apparently that it is damaging our attention span so that most of us can concentrate for less time than your average goldfish. Bad. But if you look on the bright side the array of things on which we are barely concentrating is so vast. In the last twenty seconds alone I've seen a cannibalism meme about kiwis eating kiwis, an 82 year old triathlon woman, 3D printing for the blind and 17 uses for toothpaste. Did you know it can clean silver?

Eleanor Goggin will be back next week

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