Shane Watson: 'Forget having a body like Thor - all we want is nice hands and discreet body hair'
The new superhero film Avengers: Endgame is out, an event that marks the start of Marvel At My Body season.
If you haven't seen the film, you may know vaguely who stars in it, but you'll know exactly what it took to get the actors in shape, especially Chris Hemsworth, who plays Thor. In case you need reminding (where have you been?),
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Hemsworth put on roughly 15kg of muscle in three months: now he has arms like Schwarzenegger's, one of those super-defined V cuts - like Action Man's - and a chunky chest that looks like a moulded breastplate.
Meanwhile, over in Jamaica, Daniel Craig is gearing up to play 007 for the fifth time, which means teams of trainers and physios all working around the clock to keep Craig looking like mini-Thor with a bit more of a Licence to Kill vibe.
Poor them - and poor us.
The ThorBond body is one of those super-desirables that's been foisted on us with no consultation.
We'd much rather Hemsworth without the pulsing veins and the arms like a bag of ferrets. And we really don't want Craig to get those weightlifters' thighs that give them the constipated chafing walk and make us think, "Ooh, pass him some talcum powder, quick."
Naturally, we cannot speak for everyone, but more muscle, harder abs and a neck that can pull a fork-lift truck is not what we're hoping for in a man. In case anyone out there is listening, here are our top desires:
1 Nice hands: Paws are not a deal-breaker, but nice hands trump, say, unfortunate pattern hair loss.
2 Normal teeth: Not ice-tray teeth. We cannot count the number of Hollywood heart-throbs who no longer do it for us because they have a mouthful of blue-white veneers that make them look like Rylan Clark-Neal. (Love Rylan, in spite of the teeth).
3 Hairy calves: Minimum requirement hairiness wise. Mamils (middle-aged men in Lycra), not to beat about the bush, do not do it for anyone other than Mawils (their lady cycling friends), and this is partly because of their hairless legs. Also, the shoes are horrifying.
4 Nice feet: Need not be exceptional or especially well maintained, just not greenish around the toenails and obviously harbouring three kinds of highly contagious rot. This one is non-negotiable.
5 Non-dyed hair: As we've said before, dyed hair is too much vanity for us and gives the dyer a deathly Nosferatu pallor. It doesn't work, okay? Paul McCartney took the heat so you don't have to.
6 Discreet chest hair: Especially if grey. Grey fluff curling over the neckline of a T-shirt is up there with rank toenails. But whatever you do, don't dye it.
7 A regular tummy: Can't lay down the law too much when our own is not exactly trampoline taut. However, the gorilla tum is a lady-repeller. If it's peeking out between bursting shirt buttons, even worse.
8 Strong arms: Not hopping with seven different muscles you didn't know existed; just strong and lean, quite like a light-aircraft pilot's.