Monday 20 November 2017

Sense and Shiftability: Ciara's Diary 1999-2002

Dear Diary...

Dear diary
Dear diary

It's hard to be a teenager. All these thoughts, emotions and feelings - it's, like, exhausting sometimes. I know this might sound weird, but there are times that I don't even want to be in my own head.

In saying that, I have learned a lot these past few years and I want to tell those coming up the teenage ranks behind me that it's not all bad. Here's some of the teenage wisdom that I have learned along the way:

Bright blue eye shadow is a no-no. No one can pull that off - it doesn't matter if you got it free in Mizz Magazine.

Don't get anything pierced that you can't hide.

Saying you have period cramps will get you out of almost anything at school, but don't overdo it!

Go easy on the Immac and try not to burn the box off yourself.

If you're bad at maths in first year, then you're pretty screwed for the following five years. That's just the way it is, so deal with it.

Also, it's hard to believe, but teachers are human beings with real lives, who have feelings like normal people and, believe it or not, some people actually marry them.

If you fancy someone in first year, it's almost a certainty that you won't fancy them in sixth year - but you will definitely have shifted at least one of them at a Youth Club disco.

The best advice I can give you to try and make someone notice you is to ignore them... OR stalk them so you keep bumping into them accidentally on purpose.

Get over the fact that you couldn't finish the last level of Crash Bandicoot. Metal Gear Solid is WAY cooler anyway. Be nice to other girls - the quiet ones, the smart ones, the loud ones - we need each other, so BE NICE.

Be nice to the nerdy boys, the quiet boys, the weird boys, the larger-than-life boys, even the boys who listen to Metallica - they're not dangerous, just confused.

Jealousy is a waste of time.

If someone behind you starts flicking your bra strap in class, tell them to stop flicking your bra strap.

Be careful when sending notes in class about lads you fancy.

The teacher will find them and they will know who you fancy FOREVER. Do not give them that power - it's us against them, remember.

You know what, guys? Hamlet is actually an all right dude. He's had a lot to deal with, what with having a dead father and his mother marrying his uncle, so go easy on him.

Also, Michael Collins was a ride.

When it comes to handling a hickey, always have a good scarf from Penneys or toothpaste in your bag. Toothpaste is a lifesaver.

You will think that other students are hotter or funnier or skinnier than you, but remember: contact lenses exist, retainers and braces are not for ever, and you will not be a virgin for the rest of your life.

Your boobs will grow! Just when you've given up all hope, they will grow. I promise you!

Friends will come and go, but remember the loyal ones. You might question their life decisions, but you should never have to question whether they have your back or not.

Don't dumb yourself down for anyone.

Listen to your parents, they might even surprise you. Imagine, you could be the next Sonia O'Sullivan or Roy Keane. How cool is that?

Rugby players can be gay, and a lesbian ex-nun can come runner-up in Big Brother.

Stand up for what you believe in, but please do us all a favour and don't be annoying while you do it.

Don't be a music snob. Nobody likes a music snob.

Not even David Beckham can pull-off wearing a sarong.

Love your grandparents.

Your parents are like the FBI: they will find out and you will be grounded.

You don't need others to like you, YOU need to like you.

Don't wait around for anyone to text back. If they're worth it, they will.

Never, ever, ever write mean comments on the internet.

Be kind. Always be kind.

Laugh at yourself, you absolute eejit.

You are loved.

There is always someone there who will listen.

And remember (most importantly), BIGGER BOOBS!

Good Night Dear Diary,

Love,

"Also, Michael Collins was a ride"

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