Sunday 18 March 2018

People are talking: Mum's not the word for Jennifer...or Andrea

Poor Jen's womb is making headlines again.
Poor Jen's womb is making headlines again.
Joan collins

Anne Marie Scanlon

Poor Jennifer Aniston, to give her her full title. She was plain Jennifer Aniston until Brad dumped her and she spent years as that most derided object - a single woman of a certain age.

But not even another marriage could save the former Friend from forever becoming 'Poor Jen', mainly because at 47 she's childless.

Aniston addressed the scrutiny her womb has received in an open letter to The Huffington Post saying that she may yet have a baby but, "I'm not in pursuit of motherhood because I feel incomplete… as our celebrity news culture would lead us all to believe". Pity her letter came too late for Tory leadership hopeful Andrea Leadsom who cast her main opponent, the childless Theresa May, as a person with no tangible stake in the future. Big mistake.

Theresa now has No 10, leaving Andrea to realise she should've 'kept mum' about being one.

Joan Collins gives an unlikely lesson in ageing gracefully

Donal Lynch

Joan collins

Hurray for Joan Collins, above. She has just gone and solved one of the biggest mysteries in Hollywood. How can older actors still get cast in action movies without it just getting silly?

You know, like it generally is anytime, say, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone are reprising things they did 30 years ago. Well guys, here's the answer: you just make the whole premise of the film believable. Instead of it being "you're still a possibly 22-year-old body builder from a mountainous Austrian village who…", let it be "you have escaped from a retirement home and…" In her new film, The Time of Their Lives, Collins plays former Hollywood siren Helen, who escapes the comforts of her London retirement home to gatecrash her ex-lover's funeral. She's assisted in her mission by Priscilla, a downtrodden English housewife, played by Pauline Collins (she's only pretending she's still middle-aged, which is less bad). We look forward to screenwriters developing future geriatric premises involving, variously, lost dentures, aching backs and disobedient grandchildren.

Dail plotters have lost the plot

Eilis O'Hanlon

Enda Kenny must have watched coverage of British Prime Minister David Cameron leaving Downing Street last week and wondered how long it will be before he's heading to the Aras to stand down too.

The plotters in Fine Gael are closing in, convinced that it's the Taoiseach who's the cause of all the Government's problems, rather than, say, their own utter cluelessness.

Backbenchers are openly calling on him to "clarify" his position, which, roughly translated, means "bog off and don't let the door hit you on the way out".

The only problem is they're all too frightened to make the first move, knowing that the original backstabber rarely gets the top job. So it's all "after you…. no, I insist, after you…", and the only real heave going on is the one in the stomachs of onlookers as they watch FG ministers shamelessly expressing their full support for the embattled leader whilst secretly wishing he'd take a hint.

What's funny is that they're all enviously viewing events in the Tory government, where new PM Theresa May has taken over relatively smoothly in No 10, rather than eyeing up the mess in the UK Labour Party and thinking: "There but for the grace of God go us." Beware what you wish for, FG plotters, it might just come true.

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