Friday 6 December 2019

People are talking: Monarch of the Mediocre

Kate Middleton
Kate Middleton

Anne Marie Scanlon

It's a damn poor show. There's her Maj, celebrating her 90th birthday, and what do her grandchildren do? Make a pure holy show of her, that's what.

We can always count on the Cinderella Twins, Beatrice and Eugenie, to wear something that will frighten the horses, and they didn't let the Birthday Girl down. Beatrice chose bright red and Eugenie celebrated in a 'bold' patterned coat.

At least they tried. Unlike Kate. What on earth has happened to Kate?

The former Miss Middleton used to be a proper style icon, wearing a mix of couture and high street while unafraid to (gasp) showcase the same outfit more than once.

Recently, the princess has become Monarch of the Mediocre, wearing a succession of insipid, colourless clothes that beigely blend into each other.

Earlier this week in Belfast, the Duchess appeared wearing a decade old porridge-coloured coat looking more 'mother of the bride' than 'Mum of two toddlers'.

QE2 meanwhile has been rocking a wardrobe of vibrant vivid colours. It really is a damned poor show when one's nonagenarian granny-in-law is more fashion forward than one. Then again, the Windsor men have form on not wanting to be upstaged by their livelier, better-looking women. Perhaps Kate doesn't get a say anymore.

Keep calm, the end is not nigh

Eilis O'Hanlon

The Irish thought we'd seen it all when it came to this referendum lark. The Brits have notched it up a gear by turning their own vote on EU membership into a spat so vicious it makes The Hunger Games look like an episode of Wanderly Wagon. 

Prime Minister David Cameron has even threatened the UK with the prospect of war if they vote to leave the EU on Thursday.

So what's going to happen if, this time next week, Britain has indeed bogged off for pastures new? Will the Border be back with a (figurative, let's hope) bang? Will our ex-pats be deported en masse from Blighty?

Having consulted the leading experts, People Are Talking can now exclusively reveal that life post-Brexit will look, well, probably the same as it does now.

If the world ended every time someone said it would, after all, it wouldn't still be here, and last time we checked ... it was.

On the other hand, if World War Three is going to break out soon, can we please have those iodine tablets back? Just in case.

After years of being happy for her, now we really feel sorry for Jen

Donal Lynch

It was a week when most of the magazines we pretend not to read but secretly devour finally stopped feeling sorry for Jennifer Aniston. Because for a moment there we all thought she was pregnant.

Her people have since denied this but for a brief shining second it appeared like there was hope in magazine-land for all middle-aged ovaries. And it left us feeling, once again, like we live on the wrong planet.

While what Kate Moss might call the basic bitches might have pitied our Jen during the decades when she was, variously, Brad Pitt's ex, the owner of epic hair and a working filmstar, we always thought it looked like she was doing ok. Once they thought she was up the duff the situation was reversed. The world rushes forward to thank her for taking one less worry off its mind by putting her womb to use while we couldn't help wondering if the sprog is going to cause streaks in her tan and if anything is worth that. Don't misunderstand, we'd be happy for her if she did have a child. We wouldn't be brandishing a coat hanger, a la Patsy from Ab Fab. But we do wonder if our ambition for her of defining another decade, using only highlights in her fringe, would then be beyond reach. Thank God she'd have everyone's else's admiration and the wonder of new motherhood as compensation.

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