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My boyfriend got me a bad fake designer bag for my birthday and I’m insulted, do I have to pretend I like it?

My friend laughed when she saw it and now I’m really angry

It's difficult to know if bags are 'fake' or not, like these ones in the Counterfeit Museum in Paris. Photo: Yves Forestier/Getty Images

Katie Byrne Email

March 03 2023 02:30 AM

My boyfriend told me he was getting me a designer handbag for my birthday. I was really excited until he gave it to me.

Question

There was no department store bag or authenticity card. It was just wrapped in a plastic bag.

He told me he bought it from a friend of a friend who runs a preloved luxury business and while I would have preferred a new bag, I took him at his word.

I wore it out the other night and my friend, who works in fashion, actually laughed. She said it’s not just fake, but it’s a “bad fake”.

She reckons he spent €50 on it, max. I’m really angry with him for humiliating me like this, but at the same time, I don’t want to come across as ungrateful.

Should I call him out on it or say nothing?

Answer

This is an awkward situation, but before you broach it with your boyfriend, it might be better to challenge your own assumptions and consider all possibilities.

You are, as you put it, “really angry” with him, suggesting that you believe he intentionally set out to deceive you. And while that may be the case, it’s also possible he was duped by the person from whom he bought the handbag, and will be as embarrassed as you were when he finds out.

Meanwhile, your friend has deemed the handbag a “bad fake”. Again, that may be the case, but it was a thoughtless and unkind remark to pass. She could have found a more tactful way to put it, like you can, should you decide to bring this up with your boyfriend.

I shared your dilemma with Ella De Guzman, who is the owner of preloved luxury consignment boutique Siopaella and an expert authenticator of luxury goods. She says it’s very easy to get duped online with counterfeit luxury goods.

“I think it’s important to note that most people who buy these types of presents from others online are actually not aware that they’re purchasing counterfeit,” she says. “There are a lot of convincing dealers on social media that claim to be selling the real thing.”

Modern Morals: I want to search my husband's phone after finding lingerie in his office that’s obviously not for me

De Guzman says your anger may be misdirected. “I wouldn’t be angry at the boyfriend per se. I would be angry at the seller. In saying that, counterfeit items are illegal, so it’s a tricky situation, whether she wants to confront her boyfriend or not… I would lean towards confronting him, but not in an angry way,” she adds.

Dublin-based psychotherapist Amy Plant offered similar advice when I shared your dilemma with her.

“If you’re someone who is a connoisseur of luxury bags, or really excited to own a luxury bag, then you would know the difference, but perhaps this person didn’t know.

"If you don’t know much about luxury bags then how would you know? Of course, maybe this person knew he was getting a fake and thought she wouldn’t notice. That’s a possibility too.”

The crux of the issue, says Plant, is you have already assigned blame, which can lead to a stalemate situation.

“When I work with couples, I teach them that what we usually react to — or what provokes our emotion — is the meaning that we make of something.

“We usually project a meaning on to something and, at the moment, the meaning she is making of this is that her boyfriend knew he was buying her a fake bag and thought she wouldn’t know.”

Modern Morals: My self-obsessed friend never asks a single question about my life

Instead of jumping to conclusions and “believing it to be objectively true”, Plant encourages you to approach the situation “knowing that you don’t have all the information and being open to knowing more”.

Approach it curiously and use non-accusatory language, she advises. “If you approach someone non-accusatorially, you’re more likely to get the truth. But if you go in very hot, people are more likely to defend themselves, even if they are wrong,” she says.

It’s also helpful to use I-statements rather than you-statements, she says. “For example, say something like ‘I’m just wondering…’ as opposed to ‘you got me a piece-of-s**t bag off the back of a truck’.”

Plant suggests starting the conversation with something along the lines of: “‘I love the bag but the funniest thing happened to me the other day... Do you think it’s possible that your friend got this from somewhere else and didn’t tell you?’

“If you approach it in a non-adversarial way, you are more likely to have someone collaborate with you,” she says. “You’re giving someone a fair chance to give you more information. However, if you’ve already decided that you know the truth, then you’re probably not ready to hear what they have to say because you’re thinking ‘you’re lying to me’.”

I also shared your dilemma with dating coach Frances Kelleher, who says: “The fact he knew you wanted a bag like this is a big thing. It shows he cares, it shows he listens, and the biggest thing of all is that he is trying to make you happy.

“The questions I would ask is do you care more about what your friend thinks of it than you do yourself? Is it your friend that actually humiliated you? And how do we know that your boyfriend’s friend didn’t lie to him and that your boyfriend was fooled?

“It is not about the price of things anyway,” she adds.

“It’s about the sentiment behind it. One of the six love needs of men is appreciation. You have a good man that loves you and is doing his best to make you happy. Don’t sweat the small stuff and instead be grateful that you are loved.”

Your boyfriend bought you a pre-loved bag, which is a clear indication he couldn’t afford to buy a new one. What does this tell you about his financial situation?

Does it suggest he was under pressure to meet your expectations? Maybe he did set out to deceive you, but maybe he felt he had no other choice.

If you have a dilemma, email k.byrne@independent.ie.

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My boyfriend got me a bad fake designer bag for my birthday and I’m insulted, do I have to pretend I like it?

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Welcome!

Welcome! Discover your full benefits as a Premium subscriber.

My boyfriend got me a bad fake designer bag for my birthday and I’m insulted, do I have to pretend I like it?

Question

​Answer

Read More

Read More

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