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Mr Kipling or homemade focaccia? How to tell if you are a Corona Slob or Corona Snob


Corona Slob or snob? If you are still not sure which camp you are in, here are some of the signs

Corona Slob or snob? If you are still not sure which camp you are in, here are some of the signs

Corona Slob or snob? If you are still not sure which camp you are in, here are some of the signs

So here we are, in week whatever it is of lockdown, and our true colours are starting to show - not just the grey roots.

Those of us who could be described as inclined to the slob side in normal, BC (before corona) life started out with good intentions. How we cleaned that first Saturday, even inside the fridge!

But it's not been easy to maintain those standards.

Last Saturday, for example - in a move that will have been mirrored by Corona Slobs all over the country - we stopped after a two-rooms-only vacuum.

And the weights we ordered are still in their packaging.

Meanwhile, those who are naturally self-disciplined, industrious and clean presumably kicked off the lockdown with a spring in their step, recognising it as one heck of an opportunity to create a "bulbs and fuses" drawer, and they've gone from strength to strength, as their social media feeds testify.

If you are still not sure which camp you are in, here are some of the signs.

You are a Corona Slob if...

1) You only dress from the top up, and then only when you have a Zoom work meeting.

The rest of the time, you wear TV-watching or exercise kit (leggings and a T-shirt), in the hope it will force you to get out there and exercise.

2) You have been known to not wash your hair for a week, and mostly put it up in an elastic band, which is deeply unflattering, but what do you care?

3) You are enjoying carbs again, including Mr Kipling cakes from the corner shop, and are resigned to putting on half a stone. You've already put on half a stone, mind you, so maybe we are talking the full 'Covid 14'.

Your attitude is, haven't we got enough to worry about without watching our consumption of crisps and alcohol?

4) You tried an online exercise class, but took against it thanks to Adriene, the American 'international yoga teacher and entrepreneur'.

Now you jog on the spot when you're making your third cappuccino of the day.

5) You imagined you were going to get into cooking, and got out the Magimix for the fourth time since you bought it.

At the very least, I'll make hummus, you thought. You haven't.

6) You were hell-bent on getting the garden sorted, because you're out there more than ever, and because the neighbours are constantly titivating theirs.

Raking up the blossom is as far as you've got, mainly because it feels like you need some new earth to refresh the whole garden situation. Please tell us you can't buy earth on sale in Lidl or Aldi?

7) You have read precisely 20 pages of The Mirror And The Light since the start of corona, partly because you are busy watching (which happened entirely by accident) back-to-back episodes of Britannia and Bewitched.

You are a Corona Snob if...

1) You always freshen up in the evening, put on a bit of make-up and a nice top.

You've also ordered online some magic hair products, essential vitamins, a home wax kit, toe separators and some summer cashmere in uplifting sorbet colours.

2) You are having colourist video consultations and you have a maintenance plan in place.

3) You are making sourdough and focaccia, and then freezing it, because now is no time to be getting back into carbs.

4) You are determined to lose half a stone in lockdown (maybe more), and get Davina arms, if not abs.

To that end, you have three online classes a week (mainly pilates and yoga) and a private Zoom tutor (weights). You don't drink during the week and you don't eat before noon.

5) You're taking this opportunity to learn to cook new recipes, which must be nutritious, low-carb/fat, not for the novice cook and look good on Instagram.

You've been having themed Saturday nights (the latest was Japanese, and took two hours' prep).

6) You've spring cleaned your garden, ordered seeds, got a man-in-a-van to drop off some turf and laid a new lawn and ordered some garden furniture.

You may have drawn up a plan on paper for how the whole area will look once everything is in place.

7) You're working through the books you want to be able to talk to your girlfriends about, starting with the new Anne Tyler, Girl, Woman, Other and Normal People.

As for TV, honestly, you're finding less and less time for that during the lockdown. There is just so much to do...