Modern Morals: Should I tell potential partners on dating apps that I’m autistic or wait till the date?

It seems wrong to withhold such information

Only talk about personal subjects with a date when you feel it's OK to do so. Photo: Picture posed

Katie Byrne Email

February 03 2023 02:30 AM

Question: I was diagnosed with autism in my early 30s and it answered a lot of questions for me, in particular around some of the challenges I’ve had in intimate relationships.

Some people are surprised when I tell them I have autism. I’ve heard, “You don’t seem autistic”, more times than I care to count... Other people tell me it makes sense and explains some of my behaviour.

Anyway, I’ve never used dating apps before, but at the start of January I joined a few of them. My question is whether I should tell people I have autism when we’re chatting on the app or should I wait to tell them in person?

My friend says I should only tell people if I’m sure they have ‘partner potential’. But that process could take months and it seems wrong to withhold such information. What should I do?

Answer: I shared your dilemma with three experts, all of whom have lived experience of autism. They understand how autism can affect romantic relationships. Likewise, they understand that the disclosure of autism — in any circumstance — has both benefits and risks.

Autism consultant Laura Crowley says disclosure is “an extremely personal thing”. She was diagnosed at 40 and says she is extremely open about her neurodivergence and “very proud of it”.

She “dabbled” in dating sites, she says, but this was pre-identification, so she never had to “face the same conundrum” as you. “I have been very happily married for the last number of years and my husband has never ‘othered’ me or looked at me differently since my identification,” she adds.

However, as someone who is very open about her neurodivergence, she says she has been met with “every reaction you can think of — shock, embarrassment, confusion and my least favourite, pity. I am now used to this and treat it as an educational endeavour, hoping they will react with more compassion on their next autistic encounter”.

Based on her experience of talking to people about having autism, she encourages you to ask yourself two things before you open up to people on dating apps. “Firstly, are you ready if the reaction is immediately unfavourable? Secondly, are you ready to educate the person so they see ‘you’ rather than the identification?

“Society’s understanding of autism is, at best, weak,” she says. “Autism is complex but the overwhelming reaction is often one of pity, as if a life lived as autistic is a life less lived. Educated individuals will see beyond the word, but how confident are you that you can deal with an initial rejection based on unconscious bias?

“It may be more beneficial to allow them to see the real you before you tell all. This can serve to immediately challenge assumptions and discredit their interpretation of the autistic experience.”

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I also shared your dilemma with Eleanor Walsh, who is a performer and autism advocate. She notes that there are many common myths about autism, including the idea that people with autism aren’t interested in dating or romance. “So simply by being yourself, you’re busting some myths about autism,” she says.

“If it’s a matter of access, that’s a good reason to disclose, but you can also advocate for your access needs without specifically mentioning autism,” says Walsh. “‘I’m not really into nightclubs, the music’s too loud for me, but how about a coffee instead?’”

She also suggests subtly bringing up autism-related topics: “‘I think Greta Thunberg’s campaigning for the climate crisis is brilliant, what do you think?’” Then see how they react.

“When you do decide to disclose, be prepared to answer questions,” she says. You could talk about what having autism means to you, while grounding it in “real-life examples”. You could say: I can be really sensitive to noise and sounds, and that’s why I bring my headphones everywhere with me.

In your letter, you mentioned asking your friend for dating advice, but did you know there are relationship experts who specialise in neurodiverse relationships? Natalie Roberts, a relationship coach who supports individuals and couples in neurodiverse relationships, is one of them. She’s also the co-host of the Myth Busting Neurodiverse Relationships podcast.

“Disclosure of any aspect of our identity, neuro or otherwise, is a matter of personal choice rather than a right/wrong decision,” Roberts says. “What’s also true though is the more ‘you’ that you are, the more likely you’ll connect with and develop a successful relationship with the right person for you.

“Your relationship with ‘you’ is the single biggest determiner of a successful relationship with someone else. Confident disclosure to ‘partner potentials’ goes best when you have a high level of self-confidence and self-acceptance about yourself.”

Still, disclosure can place you in a position of vulnerability, she adds. “You may have experienced not fitting in, being left out, rejected or bullied, which can impact self-confidence and make sharing who you are with others too scary to do — we don’t want to be hurt or rejected again, which is understandable. You want others to be curious and interested and if they aren’t, perhaps they aren’t for you.

“As someone who’s navigated unknown and subsequently known neurodiversity in an intimate relationship, I’d recommend disclosure as early as you feel it’s OK to say.

“Neurodiversity can have an impact on both partners and the earlier a couple has support with that from someone who really understands loving and living with difference, the better the outcome for all.”

If you have a dilemma, email k.byrne@independent.ie.