‘I do have this tinge of embarrassment when I have to bring it up,” Erica Bracken says. “If I was chatting to a guy it is not something I would lead with. It is something that I feel I have to explain.”
The majority of Irish people in their 20s live at home — around 68pc of Generation Z live with their parent, according to a 2021 report from the Economic and Social Research Institute.
But Erica (30) is part of a growing number of Irish adults in their 30s and 40s living at home with their parents.
As rents soar and having a trust fund practically becomes a prerequisite for buying a house, people are returning to the familial home and, by default, to intergenerational living.
Erica moved from Dublin back to her parents Declan and Finola’s home in Cork in March 2020. “I had no notion of ever moving back to Cork, definitely not moving back in with my parents. It just never entered my head,” she says. “The day of Leo’s speech I grabbed a couple of pairs of leggings and threw them into a bag and thought, ‘Three weeks in Cork — lovely’. And I am still here.”
Much is written about the negative impact living with parents can have on adult children and their mums and dads. Some psychologists argue that it delays the ‘process of individuation’ and can cause conflict, and resentment in relationships. This idea that living this way can have an adverse impact on individuals means there is a lot of stigma around returning home. Many view it as a social regression, or a personal failing.
“People think, ‘Oh she’s living at home, and she is 30’. You haven’t ticked some of the milestones that you should have,” Erica says. “We get so glued to these societal expectations, what’s considered the standard acceptable route to progress... I have gone off that but have grown so much more and am happier. Moving home with my parents… is the opposite of holding me back. If anything it has propelled me forward.”
The concept of striking out on your own, buying a house and establishing a separate nuclear family unit came to prominence in the 1950s. Before then adult children living with parents, or grandparents was more commonplace.
In a 2020 article for The Atlantic, author David Brooks, discusses the benefits of interconnected families. “We’ve moved from big, interconnected, and extended families, which helped protect the most vulnerable people in society from the shocks of life, to smaller, detached nuclear families, which give the most privileged people in society room to maximise their talents and expand their options.” He argues that this has led us to prioritise independence over interdependence.
For Erica there is a ‘lesser spoken joy’ about sharing a home with your parents. And she’s not alone in thinking this; last year the CSO’s Living At Home 2021 study found that 57pc of those living with a parent enjoy the experience.
Moving back home changed Erica’s pace of life and gave her a fresh perspective. It also gave her the confidence and financial security to quit her job and reassess what she wanted to do with her life.
“When I was living in Dublin, I didn’t have time to contemplate, to rest, to be creative, to do anything like that… moving home has radically changed my life. I have learnt how to stop and to enjoy the flow.”
Her father and mother share her positive feelings. Declan and Finola lived with Finola’s parents when they first got married and found it a hugely positive experience.
“It was one of the best years of our married life,” Declan says. “I would leave for work and we would come home and there would be dinner ready, and the fire lit and real butter on the table. It was just fantastic.”
So when Erica returned home it felt “a very natural thing for us to do.” “Our relationship with Erica has really blossomed,” he says. “And I love that dynamic of more people in the house — there’s always someone to talk to and an opinion you haven’t heard.”
One disadvantage of living with your folks revolves around sex and dating. Erica jokes that if dating had a rating system, ‘Living with Parents’ would knock you down three points. Bringing someone back to your childhood bedroom — complete with a single bed and collection of beanie babies — may be a bit of a passion killer. But it’s also worth remembering that it’s a knife that cuts both ways.
Adult children often impede on their parents’ love lives. Romantic alone time for Declan and Finola now requires more planning. “Well, Finola and I still find each other very attractive,” Declan explains. “Do you know where I am going with this? And the walls are thin.” Say no more Declan.
But for the most part, Erica says both she and her parents make sure to respect one another and give each other space. “We are all adults, we all know what happens, and I know they are only delighted to see me on dates,” Erica says.
Prior to the pandemic, theatre director Conor Hanratty (40) would spend several months of the year working abroad. Whenever he returned home he would move back into his familial home in Rathfarnham.
Conor Hanratty and his father Pat at home in Dublin. Photo: Tony Gavin
“I am the world’s worst immigrant. I have lived all over the gaff but I have always come home, both literally and ideologically,” he says.
The combination of high rent, being out of the country for months at a time, and living on an artist’s income meant it did not make financial sense for him to rent. When Covid hit, he moved in more permanently with his father Pat (74).
“He said to me if you cook, I will clean up.” That was their arrangement throughout lockdown and beyond.
According to Pat, who has lived in the house for 40 years, having Conor back has been nothing but a positive. “It is absolutely fantastic to have someone else in the house especially during the pandemic,” he says. “Conor cooked and he is such a creative cook.”
Pat thinks their set-up works because “we respect each other’s differences and boundaries.” The pair live separate lives but have shared rituals. “University Challenge is a critical part of a Monday evening throughout the year,” Conor laughs. “Sometimes we do the crossword puzzle together. We are like two old fogies. But it is nice having that connection and if I lived in Donaghmede I would not see my father remotely as much.”
Of course, living at home with your parents should not be viewed as a personal failing but a societal and political one.
“The notion of paying €2,000 a month on rent on an arts income is impossible,” he says. “It is all connected to this monster problem that there are no places to rent and landlords control the government and we are losing civic spaces … it is this babbling headache we all have.” He says at times “you do feel infantilised, whether it be by the State, or the fact that you live with your parents. But they are people and they are your family so it is not bad.”
He points to other countries like Italy and Greece where intergenerational living is more widely accepted. “Parents stay in your life in a much different way there”.
Karen Blaney (31) is a secondary school teacher living with her parents Mary (66) and Gerard (68) in Finglas. Karen has always lived at home, bar a year studying abroad. She hopes remaining at home will help her save money for her own place.
Karen Blaney at home in Dublin with her dad Ger. Photo: Mark Condren
But unpartnered people face even more of a challenge than those in relationships. “I do feel pressure. In Ireland is it difficult for couples with a solid shared income to find a house. [It is harder] if you are single. I am at the stage where buying a house is almost an insurmountable thing. Even with the first time buyers schemes… You don’t see prices coming down.”
And then there is the social side, she says it can weigh on your mind if you’re heading out in your 30s “knowing your parents are at home worrying about you.”
Her parents Mary and Gerard are retired civil servants and bought the family home 31 years ago. “There was more availability of houses back then,” Gerard says.
Mary adds that she doesn’t envy younger generations trying to get a foothold in the property ladder. Like 87pc of parents living with their adult children, Mary and Gerard love having Karen home.
“There has never been any problems,” Mary says. “If Karen wants friends to come over there’s no problem. Although not if it’s at 3am in the morning. We hope we are giving her the chance to save and get a few bob together for whatever she needs.”
While the housing crisis continues to worsen, remaining in the family home looks set to become more of a reality for many. Erica Bracken thinks on a personal level perhaps it is worth reframing that as a positive.
“If I was in Dublin I would be living with strangers but for some reason that’s more acceptable than living with your family and people who you love. I’ve come to realise that living at home as an adult is actually such a gift, it can have such positives. It’s not something to be ashamed of.”
