Judge me not on guard-dog duties
HI, my name is Judge... please just get it right. My pals/owners run the cute Brandylochs B&B in Kenmare.
And all the American guests call me George - can you believe it!
I have a strange relationship with a bossy miniature Schnauzer downtown but I just take no notice. At 16 years of age, I've seen it all, so I'm not that easily impressed at this stage.
This is my one and only home. I came here as a 10-week-old pup and I have ruled the roost ever since.
My other two siblings have moved on and now live in Dublin, so the winter months are quite quiet.
The summer is really great. All the guests talk about their own pets they had to leave behind, so I then become their centre of attention.
I don't know for sure, however, if my owner is joking or not when he offers me off to them to take home to LA or to Montreal or wherever.
My daily routine is quite simple really.
At 7am I get out to do my first patrol of the day and to protect my adopted family - you just never know what dangers may be lurking among the trees that border the house.
Then I just tap on the window and I get in to have my feed of the day.
Funny that, I only get the one feed while most of the pals I meet tell me they get it twice a day. I'll have to have a word with him about that.
Sometimes at night I manage to surprise an intruder.
The funny thing is, though, that my owner is more in sympathy with the intruder than he is with me. Admittedly he has some peculiarities.
Either way, I'm the one that always ends up with a bloody nose.
You see, this intruder guy always rolls up into a ball and then my owner gets hot and bothered over him after I've spent 10 minutes or so barking and jabbing at him with my snout. It's just not fair really!
And now you'll never guess what - I can overhear (just about) my owners talking about their plans to replace me.
They want me to do their work for them - they now want me to train in a 10-week-old pup, get him to do his business outside and to tell him all about my favourite hideaway places in the garden.
With my failing eyesight and failing hearing, I think I'll let him learn the hard way.
Finest hour: Getting on to the couch at night to watch the soaps
Likes: Sniffing out the trails of the neighbours' three cats
Dislikes: Grooming, even shampooing. I love my smell!
- If you would like your pet featured in this column, please send a story of 440 words and a photograph to firstname.lastname@example.org clearly labelled MY PET