I am back on Tinder, the dick-pic dating app for passive aggressive sociopaths. Maybe it's my outlook, but Tinder seems funnier than I remember the first time around. I've also noticed that since I last tried it out, someone has decided that 'spoken word artist' is an actual career description.
I used to find 135 pictures of men in my area measuring their genitals with remote controls or standing next to someone else's motorbike doing their best 'model in a 1992 fashion catalogue' pose a bit depressing, but now tears of laughter roll down my face as I swipe. Just to put it in perspective, 90pc of the men on Tinder who post pictures of themselves pretending to care about their nieces and nephews so they seem incapable of murder on a first date are probably fine, it's just the little dreamboats who turn on CAPS LOCK and write 'Do not even bother swiping right if you are a fake b*tch who won't respond to my messages. I am not interested in any of your timewasting crap' who ruin it for everyone else.
One delightfully delusional thirtysomething's description reads: "I'm a writer, an artist, a poet at times, a lover of food and making merry to a dapper dance beat!!! I'm mesmerised by intellect, so you'll have to be much more than a pretty face to hold my attention. Good luck!" Looking at his profile I think what he means to say is "I am an unemployed call-centre worker who got a C in his English at school and now spends his days watching his mum do his ironing while he sits on her couch eating Peperami. If you swipe right you are guaranteed a homemade gift voucher for a 'special massage' next Christmas. I hope you like exclamation marks!!!' In between lolz, I come across a handsome man with a handsome dog so I compose a message ('Nice face') and send it, keeping my fingers crossed that he likes brevity and my carefully chosen pictures which make me look approachable, and not like someone who has blown up a microwave by trying to reheat tinfoil.