Friday 13 December 2019

Irish social stereotypes No. 56: The Golfer

Imagines self as: Alice Cooper or Samuel L Jackson, making the greens a cool, rockin' place
Imagines self as: Alice Cooper or Samuel L Jackson, making the greens a cool, rockin' place

Dress: Well-cut slacks, Pringle cardigan, polo-neck and/or shirt, horrible cap

Hair: Sensible to a degree that's borderline OCD

Personality: Blustering bluffer with an opinion on everything - and quite possibly the most boring man in recorded history - but harmless enough

Shape: Turning tubby from a little too much time "sinking a few" at "the nineteenth hole"

And: The fact that golf is so slow-paced, time has actually been known to go in reverse while it's being played

Spends every available moment: Dinking little white balls into flagged holes across an immaculately manicured, real-life Noddyland

Imagines self as: Alice Cooper or Samuel L Jackson, making the greens a cool, rockin' place

Actually resembles: Bob Hope or some fusty old git, doddering about, blabbering about stock options and retirement plans and the awful state of the nation, goddammit

Also likes: Watching pro tournaments on telly, in which similar-looking men in similar-looking branded gear stroll around similar-looking courses doing similar-looking things, seemingly forever and ever and ever

Linguistic quirk: Refers to his heroes only by first name or daft nickname: Rory, Padraig, Tiger, G-Mac etc.

Frequently used terms: Handicap, swing, putting, bogey, eagle, The Open, The Masters, angle of approach, back nine, bunker, we'll have one for the road

Don't: Refer to golf as "a good walk spoiled"

Secret fear: That someday soon "the feminists" will insist on him sharing the fairways with women

Likely quote: "I made par by using a five-iron to birdie the fifteenth"

Unlikely quote: "Let's skip the fore-play"

Irish Independent

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