‘I would never let it be a situation where it’s only my dad or husband speaking for me’ — the brides taking back the mic at their weddings
With the father, groom and best man speech line-up now a thing of the past, brides and same-sex couples are taking control of who says ‘a few words’ on their big day
Lesley Jenkins-Blairsdale is probably the most organised bride-to-be in Ireland.
For her wedding early next year, she’s got the flower arrangement bookmarked on Pinterest, found her hair and make-up person, and the band is already booked.
One last thing remains on her to-do list — her big speech, and she’s not letting anyone else do it.
Weddings are starting to change shape in the country and the traditional father, groom and best man line-up is just not cutting it for couples these days.
Lesley represents a growing number of brides who refuse to fade into the background on their own wedding day.
“I would never let it be a situation where it’s only my dad or my husband speaking for me,” she says. “I’m not getting walked down the aisle either — I don’t want to be ‘given away’ like I don’t belong.
"My husband-to-be is quiet and I don’t mind public speaking at all. I didn’t want to put pressure on my dad or the best man either.”
Heidi Ellert-McDermott, a wedding speech expert, writes in her new book The Modern Couple’s Guide To Wedding Speeches that the age of the father, groom and best man giving the speech is over.
Since 2015, she has been running UK-based company Speechy — a team of comedians, scriptwriters and journalists in the UK who help couples write the perfect wedding speech.
According to the book, only 22pc of wedding speakers they worked with were women.
“It’s been a cultural tradition for decades,” says Ellert-McDermott. “There are situations where that’s absolutely fine. Of course, nobody should have to do something they don’t want to do.
"I personally see wedding speeches as the yin to the eulogy yang. You need some point in life to pay tribute to everyone you love as opposed to other people talking about you. Brides don’t need to do anything they don’t like, but they might want to if they really think about it.
Having been a bridesmaid many times, Lesley Jenkins-Blairsdale (right) knows exactly what she wants for her own wedding
“The traditional three of the father, groom and best man is disappearing because, let’s face it, we’ve all had enough speeches with just the best man roasting the groom.
"In the last decade, we’ve seen a lot of changes. More divorces mean more mums are speaking. Same-sex marriages tend to have a naturally creative line-up. More couples have less religious speeches and are breaking down some of the traditions.
“I’m obviously biased and it’s nice to hear from both of them, but if only one person is giving the speech, it shouldn’t necessarily be the groom. People are growing more conscious of that now.
"There’s a move towards more couples working together on writing them rather than the sexist presumption that it’s just the groom’s job to do it.”
For Lesley, the choice was simple. She’s the best speaker of the two of them and she doesn’t want an audience of hungry, partially drunk guests waiting for a large line-up of speakers to wrap it up.
“I’ve been a part of a lot of weddings and I think nobody actually cares,” she says. “Why are you turning your wedding into this mental situation? They don’t actually want to listen to people waffling on. So I’m not going to force anyone into it.”
Paula Murphy and best friend Adrieanne McDermott both spoke at the former's wedding
Adrieanne McDermott and Paula Murphy met for the first time at a hospital ward, where their children were undergoing open-heart surgery.
Best friends since that very moment, Adrieanne defaulted into the role of maid of honour when Paula got married last year. They both spoke at the wedding, having penned down their speeches in a shared hotel room the night before.
“My mum passed in 2018, so straight away, a lot of the traditions were out the window,” says Paula. “Traditions were important to me during the ceremony — I did the flower throw, didn’t see my husband the night before — but it wasn’t the same.
"There was always going to be an element of my speech that addressed the fact that my mum wasn’t in the room.
“Writing it at 12am, sitting on that bed with Adrieanne by my side, it was the most difficult thing I had to do. I still don’t know why it felt so important.
"I know that, traditionally, it’s the men who are supposed to do it. We’re a society only a generation away from everything having to be done a certain way. But nobody ever turned around and said to me that I couldn’t do it.”
Adrieanne adds: “It was important to you to thank everyone and to acknowledge the absence of your mum.” Aidreanne got married herself eight years ago and never even considered writing her own speech.
“It’s just not something that crossed my mind. In the weddings that I grew up watching, it was always the men. I would have been a lot shier than I am now, so it was my husband and father who spoke. Paula’s is the only wedding where I’ve seen it happen and it was a beautiful speech.”
Paula and Adrieanne wrote their speeches the night before the wedding
Paula adds: “There are no expectations for the bride to speak, so when you choose to do it, all eyes are going to be on you — there’s an extra bit of weight to it.
“I don’t think anyone is going to tell you not to do it in this country, it’s just not something you think about doing. If it’s important in a bride’s life, she’s not going to shy away from doing it.”
Wicklow-based wedding planner Tee Corkish has observed a massive change in how brides plan their weddings. Through her clients at her award-winning venture, Pairs and Peaches, Corkish has noticed a lot more women in Ireland are choosing to speak at their weddings.
Most weddings still feature the local parish priest and the ‘something borrowed, something blue’. But with couples paying for their own ceremonies, some elements have just moved on with time.
In the last few years, Corkish’s work has also changed massively. She notes that couples view themselves as equals in the relationship, with both of them pitching in on what they want their big day to look like.
Pairs and Peaches frequently work with heterosexual and same-sex couples who opt to share the spotlight — divvying up their thank yous and one-liners between themselves.
“It’s become more inclusive,” says Corkish. “It’s not just brides — the mother of the bride, the mother of the groom, the sisters and maids of honour are all getting up there.
"What I have seen a lot of with heterosexual couples and same-sex couples is that the brides or grooms share the spotlight. Particularly in same-sex marriages — nobody wants to be identified in a male or female role. So having a shared speech makes it so much easier for everyone.”
The highlight of Glenn and Ian's wedding were their mothers and sisters
It's been 15 months since Corkish organised Glenn Smith and Ian Barden’s wedding but she still hears people raving about it.
After six years of knowing each other, they tied the knot at a ceremony where their biggest support were their mums and sisters. Not only did they give unforgettable speeches, they were the highlight of the ceremony itself.
“Ian’s mum married us,” says Glenn. “She’s a wedding celebrant and it was just a month after she got the licence, so the family was able to see what she does for work.
"It was very personal and special. We also walked down the aisle with our mothers. It’s always the dads giving the bride away and mams never get that moment. We’re both very close to our mothers so it was really nice to share it with them.”
“We just made our own rules,” says Ian. “And anyway, these rules are meant to be broken. The older generations did expect some traditional elements to our wedding, but our attitude was — it’s our day, we’re paying for the wedding ourselves and we don’t need to follow these traditions.
“When it came to the structure of the day, we both just have one sister, so we had bridesmaids. We decided that we weren’t going to have best men.”
They started off their big day with something they penned called a ‘Simple Thank you’: “Glenn and Ian wish to note a simple thank you to honour the men and women who walked before them to create a pathway of freedom which allowed them both to proudly stand before you today, happy and comfortable within their own skin.”
“I have to remind women that this does not need to be a performance,” says Corkish. “There’s no expectations for them to do this monologue — people just want to hear them thank the appropriate people and say something nice about each other or their family. It doesn’t have to be funny, it doesn’t have to bring a tear to the eye — it just has to be something real.”.
There’s been enough of the bridezilla trope, insist Ellert-McDermott and Corkish. With the weight of organising ‘the perfect day’ lifted off their shoulders thanks to an equal partner and a changing dynamic, the brides are free to celebrate themselves and the people they love. No matter what your relationship looks like, this is your chance to raise a toast.
The team of comedians, scriptwriters and journalists behind Speechy
Heidi Ellert-McDermott’s tips for the perfect wedding speech
Be warm and welcoming: Beware the etiquette guides. These days, addressing your audience as ‘ladies and gentlemen’ can feel overly formal, and grooms no longer need to conclude their speech with a toast to the bridesmaids. Today, wedding speech etiquette is simply about being welcoming and grateful. Thank the important people and pay a tribute to your partner. That’s really all you need to do.
Make every word count, not clichéd: All wedding speeches should be delivered within 10 minutes and every word should matter. This means no clichés, platitudes, or any of those ubiquitous adjectives that litter so many speeches. Once you’ve written your first draft, check for meaningless wedding waffle. There’s no need to talk about how gorgeous the venue is (your guests have eyes) or how nervous you feel. If a line you’ve written could be delivered by a speaker at another wedding, it shouldn’t be in yours.
No googled gags: Humour unites a crowd and as soon as you generate a laugh, you’ve won your audience over. Of course, being funny is not about googling wedding gags; generic jokes elicit groans, not laughter. Instead, observe the nearlywed’s relationship in action and see what quirks you notice. Every couple has their own oddities, so take the time to notice.
Start with a strong story, not the thank yous: We’re programmed to care about stories and a good speech is essentially good storytelling. Some speeches contain a handful of strong anecdotes, others just focus on one, but whatever you opt for, make sure you hook your audience in early. Some newlyweds make the mistake of starting their speech with the thank yous, but it’s much better to open with a great anecdote and weave in your thanks later in the speech, once you’ve got everyone smiling.
Pay a tribute to your friends and family: Once you start thinking about your thank yous, you might end up thinking you need to namecheck half your guestlist. Resist the urge. A thank you is really only interesting if it’s entertaining or addressed to you. Don’t thank the venue, planners or anyone you’ve paid for their services. Sure, thank the important people on the top table, but make sure your thank yous are genuinely meaningful, rather than cut and paste jobs.
Prove, don’t tell: Don’t just describe the person you’re paying tribute to using adjectives. Bring their qualities to life with examples of their characteristics in action. Prove their strengths and qualities with anecdotes and insights, rather than just listing them.
The punchier, the better: Edit your draft by 25pc. As Hemingway famously said, “the first draft of anything is…” well, not as good as it could be. Not only should the overall speech be pacey, every anecdote and line within it should be too.
The Modern Couple's Guide To Wedding Speeches: How To Write And Deliver An Unforgettable Speech Or Toast by Heidi Ellert-McDermott is out March 9, published by Little, Brown and Co, priced €11.36. Order here.
