Ask Allison: I don’t like sex – how do I stop this ruining my new relationship?

Sex happens in our minds first. The issue is when we separate body and mind or get stuck in our thoughts. Getty Images/iStockphoto

Allison Keating

March 06 2023 02:30 AM

Psychologist Allison Keating answers your queries about life and relationships.

Question: I’m a 23-year-old gay man and have no issues with my sexuality. I came out five years ago when I was 18 and I have not had any issues with it myself. Nor have my family or my peers. I have started seeing someone who I like very much. We have a great connection and I would like to pursue it further.

The problem is, I have never enjoyed sex. My past experiences have been awful and my one and only relationship ended because I was too uncomfortable to perform and it was unfair on my partner, who wanted sex regularly.

I have seen a counsellor who I tried to bring it up with but we moved onto a different topic and it was never solved. I really want to pursue this but I’m afraid history will repeat itself and I won’t be able to provide what this man is looking for. At the moment, we have kissed and it was great but it is inevitable what is to be expected next. Could you help me with this, please?

Allison replies: The pressure to perform is a major intimacy blocker for many men. One that isn’t given the respectful time that is needed to have these uncomfortable and important conversations.

What we can explore here are some questions you can reflect upon — I’d recommend speaking with a therapist to help you navigate where you are and where you’d like to get to, in a shame-free and supportive space.

The reason I chose the word shame is because young men often feel they can’t talk about any concerns they are having around getting or maintaining an erection. A misconstrued idea is that this is only an issue for men who are older than you. More and more, I am seeing this impact men at any age, and one contributory factor is performative porn.

Performative sex is not intimacy, nor will it achieve the physical, sexual, or emotional satisfaction you seek as you may be stuck in your head thinking about how you look, what they are thinking about you and the pressure to perform. Then the fear arises, starting with the two most awful words ‘what if’, instantly disconnecting you from yourself and from being able to be present with the person you are with.

How is that for you? You mentioned twice that you had no issues with your sexuality and coming out. This is your public self, and you felt comfortable publicly letting people know who you are, which is wonderful. I hear acceptance — and yet privately in such a vulnerable space as being sexually intimate with someone you like, there seems to be a blocker.

The word you used is you feel uncomfortable. What would a conversation with the person you are seeing be like if you brought this to him? Intimacy takes a while and a lot of it happens outside the bedroom. Trusting someone with private worries, especially sexual ones, can take time. And an issue I see a lot, is that physical sex is happening or expedient sexual expectations are there but maybe a piece of the intimacy is missing.

We could think of it in terms of pre-sex: what needs to be there for you to feel more comfortable, and safer. By safe, I mean in your own body and with yourself, as well as being with someone.

If we look at this from a general perspective within the gay community, you might be surprised to know that you aren’t the only man feeling like this. A ‘one size fits all’ sexual culture doesn’t fit. I think your word uncomfortable is the key to understanding how to work towards figuring out what works well for you.

Perhaps ask yourself what a good sexual experience might look and or feel like for you. Before we get to that, it is worth reflecting upon your first sexual experience and how that was for you, and what thoughts or beliefs have come from that time.

You are in your early 20s, you want to please, this is an area where I feel there is a major gap within sex in being comfortable at this age — to ask for ways for you to also feel pleasure.

‘Intimacy takes a while and a lot of it happens outside the bedroom. Trusting someone with private worries, especially sexual ones, can take time. And an issue I see a lot, is physical sex is happening but maybe a piece of the intimacy is missing’

Sexual conversations need to open to explore what it means to be in a new relationship. What the boundaries are in relation to how you want to be treated emotionally, physically and sexually. For all the performative aspects of porn, where are you learning about the relational part of being in a relationship?

Culturally, I think it’s majorly missing and needs to be within sexual education at school. A ‘How to be in a relationship 101’ class. I think a lot of 20-year-olds feel lost and confused about what is expected of them, and have forgotten that they are also as important within the relationship.

Swap it around — how would you feel if he shared this with you? I’m putting a caveat in here, he may not respond well to it. Vulnerability is vulnerable for a reason: there is a risk. But I also think there is a risk if you can’t connect emotionally. Intimacy requires you to know yourself and a maturity that only comes with experience, so be kind to yourself.

Connect back to your body and what turns you on. Explore what happens by yourself, by way of masturbation, and identify the differences and/or fears that arise with the pressure to perform with someone else and how that is for you.

A lot of sex happens in our minds first. The issue is when we separate our body from said mind, or get stuck in it, creating a freeze response where your body mentally experiences a sexual experience with fear, rather than your nervous system being able to be present to physically connect.

Ask yourself this with kindness: ‘When did you learn about any of this?’ The answer is often, ‘never’. These questions will hopefully serve you well to aid reflection, as will working through this with a therapist, who can offer you the time to work on these important parts of yourself.

Allison regrets that she cannot enter into correspondence. If you have a query you would like addressed in this column, email allisonk@independent.ie