THIS week, for a change, we're going to talk about how to gain a dress size in 28 days, in what I call the anti-health guide.
Cutting out food groups, drinking liquid supplements instead of eating foods, counting points or counting calories, consuming foods in certain combinations will all help you gain weight in the long run.
But if you follow the steps in my anti-health 28-day plan you will also be guaranteed a body that's both shapeless and lifeless.
Your first step is to slow down your metabolism. By doing this you will burn fewer calories, whether you're active or at rest, so even if you don't increase your food intake you will automatically put weight on and store unnecessary body fat.
To accomplish this, it is essential that you show a poor commitment during this phase of the plan. The easiest way to do this is to stop doing any exercise or activity, sit in front of the TV for as many hours as possible and avoid breaking a sweat at all costs.
If you are currently a gym member, only turn up every few weeks so as to lose your fat-burning muscle. I call this guerrilla-warfare style of training. Go in and attack, then retreat back to the safety bunker of your couch.
Also, you need to go to classes where you can pay per sessions and just drop in, because in these places people are less likely to be interested in you getting a result. Never let your coach or classmates know you are not going to turn up in case they talk you into going to training. Disappear into the background.
Make sure to cancel some training sessions because you are hungover. You can tell yourself you will start again on Monday because after Friday night's drinking session, you have messed up on your diet, so you might as well continue gaining weight all weekend.
At the gym, you must ensure that you never push yourself to the point where you are breathless. Turn up late so you don't have to do the warm-up and won't understand the exercises.
When the instructor signifies it's time to start working again, wait 10 seconds before beginning. Or you can waste even more time by going for a drink of water, fixing your hair or pretending to tie your laces.
Go crazy on sugar. Slowing down your metabolic rate and training inconsistently will only get you so far in your mission to gain a dress size and get a body that is lifeless and shapeless. Start by stocking your shelves with fizzy drinks, alcohol, fruit juices, sweets, sugary cereals and refined carbohydrates and include them at every meal. Have biscuits with your coffee at work.
When your body craves water, opt for a coffee or a soft drink. Limiting water intake will also maximise your stomach space for other foods.
Remember, a diet high in sugar will help you pile on the pounds, impact on your immune system, increase your risk of diabetes, increase your risk of cardiovascular heart disease, accelerate ageing and make you tired all the time.
Fibre stretches the intestinal wall to improve digestion but what you want is to be sluggish. By choosing foods made with refined white flour you'll avoid eating fibre, which again would fill you up unnecessarily.
This might feel like a joke, but it's probably the plan you or your friends are currently on while you are left confused as to why you are lacking energy or can't lose weight.
Get started on a plan that involves you eating fresher and healthier foods, exerciseing and, above all, taking it upon yourself to get better every day on your journey toward both health and happiness.