Ask Allison: I love my friends but I hate going out at night. My friend says it’s selfish to avoid socialising – is she right?

Work out when you can pass on social occasions, and when to give yourself a gentle push. Photo: Stock image

Work out when you can pass on social occasions, and when to give yourself a gentle push. Photo: Stock image

Allison Keating

June 06 2022 02:30 AM

Allison Keating answers your queries about life & relationships

Question: I hate going out. I am married and in my 40s, and I have lots of friends and family who I love and enjoy. I keep in touch on the phone and for coffees etc, but I do not like going out at night. I do all the obligatory things like communions and family events, but never work parties or anything I can get out of.

My husband and I go for dinner every now and then, and he goes out and meets his friends, to watch matches etc. He would like us to go out more, but we are very busy with small kids so it isn’t a huge issue now.

Part of the reason is that I don’t drink much and I find things generally get tedious after a few hours. But it is mainly because I prefer to be curled up on the couch watching telly in the evening. I hate getting dressed up, and since the lockdown I can’t bear to get dressed up and put heels on. One of my friends is a bit annoyed by this, and has intimated that it is selfish and it’s part of maintaining a friendship to socialise. She has also suggested that I must be a bit depressed, which is way off.

Is she right? Should I make more of an effort to go out?

Allison replies: I am going to give you a ‘pass’ and a ‘go’ option, which you can use at your own discretion. I sense from the type of catch-ups that feel good for you, such as a cosy chat and coffee where it feels like an authentic connection, that you are more comfortable in a 1-1 capacity, or within a close-knit circle. There is also a sense that you may have a time limit — there’s a point where you feel you have reached your social capacity, and it is time to leave.

It’s not about asking whether your friend is right, it’s about knowing what’s right for you. Then you can work within those parameters — calculating when to ‘pass’ and for which ones you choose to give yourself a gentle social push to press the ‘go’ option. First, it is about reflecting upon a few social and personal conditions before you make any decisions.

Autonomy might be a good place to start the reflective pause — this is a self-directed freedom to make your own choices and decisions. Note the word ‘self-directed.’ I noticed during lockdown that when the pressure to socialise was gone, some introverted people released a rather large sigh. With the social pressure off and a valid reason as to why they couldn’t go out, many were happy to be at home on the couch in their pyjamas by 8pm.

You mentioned it above: when a sense of ‘I have to’ or ‘I should’ — whether from yourself or others — is the precursor to going out, the idea of it can feel draining before you’ve even thought about what to wear. No matter how well you get on with your family, there can be a sense of duty and obligation, as is the case with events you mentioned where an expectation of you being there is anticipated. But become aware of your ‘hard nos’, such as work events, that have all the conditions which dissipate any desire to attend. With no real obligation, you have a choice to say no. Perhaps the combination of small talk and alcohol are the two other determining factors.

Your social dilemma now, is the pressure coming from a friend that you do have a relationship with. Here are the facts: friendships are exceptionally demanding in terms of two resources which most adults don’t have a lot of access to — time and energy. Thanks, adulthood.

This is where it becomes a bit uncomfortable, seeing it from your perspective and your friend’s. I see both your points of view. Friendship in adulthood is something as a psychologist I would empathetically encourage. I do believe in psychological flexibility, so there is room for both of you to get your needs met, even partially.

From your side, I would say ditch the high heels — flats are in, and no-one wants to let them go. In terms of clothes, it can feel good to get dressed up. Maybe just having a shower and putting on fresh jeans and a T-shirt could be energizing. People look good when they feel comfortable. It’s not what you are wearing, but it is the intent of being out of the house and in a new environment. Novel experiences are essential for the growth of friendships — this could be coffee and a walk. I’d add in your husband to this as well. It’s especially important to have time to connect, chat and be yourselves; not solely in the role of parents to young children.

Turning my attention to alcohol, I’ve noticed a cultural, attitudinal and behavioural change happening. And not before time. Many people have expressed similar feelings to you, and many are questioning what was the ‘norm’ in terms of a drink-fuelled night out. I’m hearing people questioning the tight hold alcohol played in so many social situations, and there are other ways to socialise. Expressing how you feel to your friend and then making social plans where both your needs are met is a workable solution. Drawing a new boundary on settings that don’t work for you is perfectly acceptable, and if it isn’t acceptable to your friend that’s not your responsibility.

This isn’t my attempt at a joke, but if an introvert and an extrovert go to a party, I often notice what I call ‘the Cinderella effect’ — by 12, the introvert is slipping out the door as they have had their social fill. Introverts are often keen observers, and at that point of the evening going home is their chance to recharge. On the other hand, by the strike of 12 you will see the extrovert’s battery has been charged by all the social interactions. They are getting recharged by the people, and being at the party.

Perhaps you always knew you felt this way, and that the pub or the small talk at work events didn’t fill you up and may have drained you.

How would you describe yourself? Are you an introvert or an ambivert (a mixture of introverted and extroverted in situations where you know and feel comfortable with the people you are with)? People misunderstand introverts as shy, and this is not always the case.

Spend time getting to know what works for you, and fill your social bucket up accordingly.

Allison regrets that she cannot enter into correspondence. If you have a query you would like addressed in this column, email allisonk@independent.ie