I can’t remember the last time I had a full night’s sleep. Although to be honest, I’m so worn out from lack of sleep that I struggle to remember most things; what I had for breakfast, where I put the keys, even (after a particularly bad night) my name.
My four-year-old frequently wakes ready to start the day at 4.30am. And even if he doesn’t, he’ll certainly wake every night and can take a long time to get back to sleep.
It’s a scenario that Co Louth mum-of-three Patricia Butterly can empathise with. “I was up four times with Fainchea (4) last night,” she says. “And she takes at least an hour to go down. It’s a disaster. I’m tired in the morning and she’s sour. You nearly find yourself resenting other people whose children sleep.”
We accept that babies will wake through the night, but the assumption is that, once those infant years pass, we can all look forward to the joy of a solid 10-12 hours. Or can we?
According to Ursula Quinn, a paediatric sleep consultant and registered nurse, parents can take some solace in the fact that sleep issues post-babyhood actually aren’t unusual.
“Disrupted sleep is still fairly common amongst older or school-aged children, with some studies finding as many as 30pc of children of this age having sleep problems some of the time,” she reveals.
But that doesn’t make dealing with it any easier.
“We surveyed our social media followers recently and they reported that over 90pc of them dealing with child sleep challenges have seen it have a negative impact on their performance at work,” reveals child sleep consultant and mum-of-three Erica Hargaden, cofounder of Babogue. “They report feeling like they have no time together as a couple, their evenings are consumed with trying to get their child to fall asleep and they feel they can’t ask anyone to mind their children because the kids won’t fall asleep without their parents present.”
“Sometimes I talk to families and they are honestly barely able to talk to me or concentrate because they are so tired,” agrees Ursula. “It can affect mood, relationships and overall mental and physical health.”
“We had six years of no sleep and we were like zombies,” says Co Carlow mum-of-three Emma O’Connor. “Our then-six-year-old was coming in up to six times a night and our four-year-old would wake as if she was having a temper tantrum.”
Patricia Butterly from Co Louth with her daughter Fainchea (4). Photo: David Conachy
Trying to get through days was often a case of survival. “I remember just sitting on the floor pretending to build Lego,” says stay-at-home mum Emma. “The energy just wasn’t there for what they needed. My husband was still driving one and a half hours to Dublin for work so I was trying to bear the brunt of it myself but we were both sleep-deprived every single day.”
I’ve turned down work because of lack of sleep, avoided driving, binged on high-sugar foods and guzzled coffee. But most frequently I feel plagued by the knowledge that I know I’m not able to bring my parenting A-game when I’m tired. With no energy for park visits or arts and crafts, there’s greater reliance on TV and easy dinners. Both sons miss out on getting the best of me, something that feels unfair to my eldest who sleeps well.
“It’s not my daughter’s fault, but I do wish she’d realise that if she just slept for one full night, I would have lots of energy,” agrees Patricia. “When I’m trying to get her to sleep — which can sometimes take two hours — I know my other two kids are waiting for me to come downstairs.” She works part-time as a florist. “I couldn’t work full-time at the moment,” she says. “But even when I’m not in work, I’m still a busy mam, there’s still homeworks to be done, it doesn’t stop.”
Co Kildare mum-of-two Louise Nolan wrestles with the frustration caused by trying to get her eight-year-old son Matthew to sleep. “I feel guilty because I feel I’ve spent most of the evening arguing with him to go to sleep,” she says. “You start to dread evenings because there’s that tension and I’m sure he picks up on it.”
Ursula often sees guilt around parents of poor sleepers. “Parents do often beat themselves up about it,” she says. “They tend to blame themselves or wonder if it’s something they have done wrong when, in reality, there are many, many reasons why a young child may not be sleeping well and there can be physical, behavioural, emotional and environmental factors at play.”
From babyhood Fiona Walsh’s youngest daughter, Robyn, struggled with sleep, eventually being diagnosed with sleep apnoea. At 13 months, they were told by a specialist that she would need her tonsils and adenoids removed...but that she couldn’t have the surgery until aged three and a half.
Fiona Walsh and her daughter Robyn. Photo: Daragh Mc Sweeney/Provision
“I was devastated,” says the Co Cork mum-of-two. “I thought, ‘How am I going to cope with another two and a half years of not sleeping?’” It turned out to be longer. “I was expecting surgery to be a silver bullet but sadly that wasn’t the case,” explains Fiona. “She continued to wake during the night and rise early, and really only started sleeping through about six months ago. She didn’t have the sleep apnoea any more but I honestly think by that point she just didn’t know how to sleep.”
You need to look at the bedtime routine, making changes to common sleep-stealing culprits – looking at timings, sleep hygiene and consistency as well as use of devices, fresh air and diet.
But it’s important to speak to your GP and check if a medical issue, like sleep apnoea, might be at the root of your child’s sleep issues. Conditions like restless leg syndrome can be related to iron deficiency, while a lack of magnesium and/or vitamin D can also impact negatively on sleep. Children who are sensitive, dealing with anxiety or on the autism spectrum are also more likely to face challenges with sleep. And for teenagers, stress is often a culprit.
“Sleep is central to a healthy childhood,” says Prof Basil Elnazir, Consultant in Paediatric Respiratory Medicine at the Beacon Hospital and TCD. “There’s lots of research to show that children who get enough sleep have better school performance, behaviour, memory and better mental health.
“We as humans spend one third of our life sleeping, it is the best evolutionary process we have to restore the reserves of energy that we expend during our day-to-day life.”
“I went to the doctor wondering if ADHD might be an issue,” reveals Patricia. “But they said no, we just need to get a better routine. I asked about melatonin and they said, ‘No that’s only for dire straits’.” She laughs dryly, “I said ‘I am in dire straits!’”
Emma found engaging the help of a professional reaped rewards, with fresh eyes able to pinpoint what needed to change. “I had read everything and tried everything I could think of. We literally couldn’t cope anymore,” she says. She contacted Erica at Babogue and, after three weeks, had two sleepers. “It cost us a couple of hundred euros and it was the best money I ever spent,” says Emma.
Being up in the night with a child can feel very lonely, but it’s important to know you’re not alone. Louise is still facing challenges with her son’s bedtime but has found the camaraderie of the Babogue Facebook Group important. “I feel like I relaxed as soon as I went on there,” she says.
Erica agrees that it’s important that no parent should feel like they are alone or failing because their child struggles with sleep.
“The American Academy of Paediatrics estimates that 25-50pc of children will experience sleep challenges at some point in their lives,” she reveals. “The issue is that we’re not being open enough about the challenging rollercoaster that child sleep is. But the more we talk about it and share our experiences the more likely you are to find solutions that will work for you.”
