Tuesday 19 February 2019

What I'm Really Thinking ...parental suicide

I'm so angry at my dad for killing himself
I'm so angry at my dad for killing himself
David Coleman

David Coleman

I get looks from other people every so often. You can tell they pity me. It's the "ahh, God love him" look. It makes my blood boil when they do it. My dad killed himself three years ago, when I was just nine, and I still get the looks. I want to punch them and scream "what do you even know?! I am nobody's victim!"

I miss him all the time. He used to coach our football team. He'd be at all my games. I went everywhere with him. I used to drive him mad too, 'cos I'd always be after something, or be wanting him to kick football with me. But we were a team.

I was there on the morning. I could tell something was badly wrong as soon as I woke up. My mam was just totally pale and all she'd say was "There's been an accident, you aren't allowed into the garage". I thought he'd hurt himself with the circular saw, or cut through the power lead without the circuit breaker on. He was always making stuff and he was always on to me about safety. I just thought he'd made a mistake.

But he hadn't. I found out last year that he'd hung himself. "He was dealing with his own demons" is what mam said. I still wonder if I did something to upset him. I feel like if I was a better son then maybe…like if I hadn't driven him mad then maybe…

Mam says it wasn't my fault, but I'm not sure if I believe her. Her and me aren't getting on either. She's stressed all the time and I can't really explain it, but I'm cross all the time, just under the surface if you know what I mean. So we are forever rowing, about everything. Big things or small things, we fall out. That's when I miss dad the most. He'd have known what to say to me, or it's like he'd have just known me. Properly known me. He just got me.

I can't really believe that he killed himself and just left me behind. That always seems so unfair to me. Like he abandoned me. What am I supposed to do now? It annoys me too. I'm mad with him about that, but I can't say that to anyone. How can you be mad with someone who's dead? Maybe that's why I just get mad with mam, even though its not her fault either.

I've seen three different counsellors. Mam just keeps bringing me. These days it's all about my behaviour. I'm "challenging" apparently. But I'm never going to talk to them. I bet their dad's didn't kill themselves, so how would they know what its like. And they've given me the "God love you" look too. I just stare at them. I overheard one of them telling mam I was "severely emotionally and behaviourally disturbed". How do you come back from that?

My dad killed himself. He abandoned me and I don't know why he did that. I love him so much, I miss him so much and I hate him for leaving me. Is that a good reason to be "emotionally disturbed"? I'm only 12 and I'm supposed make sense of all this. Can anyone tell me how?

I've fought with loads of the lads in my school as well. Anyone that says anything to me about my dad and I go for them. I've hurt some of them too. They deserve it; talking shit about my dad. I'll fight anyone who disrespects him.

Pity me or taunt me. That's all people seem to do. Nobody actually understands.

* As imagined by David Coleman

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