Wednesday 16 October 2019

What I'm Really Thinking ...about body image

'I've been able to keep myself hungrier much easier because my Mam can't watch me in school'
'I've been able to keep myself hungrier much easier because my Mam can't watch me in school'

I've had it up to here with people going on about body image! All the adults are all the same - my parents, the teachers, they always go on about being healthy and not focusing on your body and how it looks. But really!? Please! We all know that's BS. Everyone cares about how they look. Well, except for a few of the girls, but they're the ones who are fat anyway. None of my friends would let themselves look like that. Well, I wouldn't anyway. Thin is pretty. Thinner is perfection.

I'm not anorexic or anything. I'm saying that because it's the first thing you might think of when I say stuff like this. I remember my mother once heard me quote the exact same thing to one of my girlfriends last year. She immediately interrupted me and said that I'd better not be thinking like that, because that was the road to anorexia. I laughed it off at the time, but it put me on alert to be a lot more vigilant around her. The last thing I need is her to start going off on one with me about my food or my eating.

There are a lot of people who look down their nose at me; the fat people. They're just jealous. Not that I'm thin. Not really. I try to keep my weight under control. I just choose not to eat sometimes to give my stomach a break and because too much food is a bad thing. Too much of anything is a bad thing. Like I said, I have to be very careful at home, because I do think my mother is watching me sometimes. I'll always eat something if she's there. I just have to work harder to not eat at other times.

I'm doing my Junior Cert this year, so I've been staying for afternoon study since Christmas. That's been good. I've been able to keep myself hungry much easier because Mam can't watch me in school. She assumes I'm eating, but it's too easy not to when nobody's looking over my shoulder. And my school uniform is brilliant for covering things up. The jumper is so baggy that no one can tell what I'm like underneath it.

Some of the other girls have said it to me that I might be too thin. I know I should have been offended because they meant it as a criticism, but I took it as a compliment. Maybe I am starting to look better after all. You can never be too thin. As I like to say, 'The difference between want and need is self-control'. I'm not going to give in and let myself go, just because some people can't achieve what I'm trying to achieve.

We had a big celebration the other week for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. That was a lovely day, but it was hard. We had a big family lunch in a hotel in town. There was no hiding away at that. I felt like my Mam was staring at me loads during the meal. I just smiled back at her. But it meant that I had to eat so much food, just so I didn't freak her out. I felt so guilty about the amount I ate. I totally had to sweat that out of myself on the treadmill later. I just felt gross.

A lot of people don't understand. That's what I love about the internet. There are girls on there who get it. I feel like some of their blogs are talking about me and talking to me. I get a lot of inspiration from them. Particularly when I'm hungry. One of the quotes I liked was, 'Hunger is a feeling. Thin is a skill'. Thin is worth working for.

As imagined by David Coleman

Health & Living

Editors Choice

Also in Life