There’s a good reason your toddler is having tantrums

It might seem like they’re defying you, but acting out is an important step in the journey to find their own identity, writes Dr David Coleman

From around 12 months babies begin to realise that they are separate from their mother. Picture posed

Dr David Coleman

May 18 2022 02:30 AM

We often think of adolescence as the time when children break free of their dependence on their parents and move to independence. But the reality is that all of childhood is a process of developing independence and that process starts at toddlerhood and continues through childhood, adolescence and into young adulthood. The process is called individuation.

Last week’s article about adult children remaining at home was sparked by my wondering if for some of those adults, a failure to individuate may have been the cause of getting stuck at home, in a childlike role, long after it is developmentally appropriate to do so. I thought it might be useful, therefore, to return to my original topic of toddlerhood, to look at how parents can support the process of individuation at the starting point.

In most situations individuation is a developmental process that small children will start into without prompting. Just like toddlers, without being taught, find their balance on their feet and then realise that they can move their legs in a coordinated way to walk, so too will they naturally start to individuate.

Babies believe themselves to be indivisible from their primary carer. In practice, for most babies, that means that they believe that they and their mothers are one being. It is only from the age of 12 months or so, as real independent movement becomes easier and expressive language begins to develop, that they begin to realise that they are separate from their mother. This is the start of individuation.

However, we parents often get a shock when our toddler begins to assert their independence; because, although they have an instinctive desire to assert their will, toddlers regularly lack the social sophistication to assert themselves harmoniously. Because they are not emotionally sophisticated enough to consider the feelings of other people, when they assert themselves they do it bluntly and forcefully.

This assertiveness is often the herald of the tantrums that we also strongly associate with toddlerhood. It is almost inevitable that toddler tantrums, based on their assertion of “no” or “I do it my own self”, will become a frequent and frustrating part of life. Many writers have likened the toddler years to a mini-adolescence, such is the visible desire of toddlers to differentiate themselves from their parent and their willingness to do it through conflict.

Unlike teenagers, however, toddlers are not likely to premeditate their resistance to their parents’ wills. Toddlers live in the moment and so, on a moment-to-moment basis, they are either in concert with their parents’ desires or in opposition to them. They don’t wake up thinking ‘I must be ready to fight about the clothes that are picked out for me to wear, or the food that is given to me to eat.’

But if they don’t want the clothes or the food that is chosen they will be vocal in protesting. They may be bitterly upset and will wear that upset on their sleeve, potentially screaming or wailing about the misfortune they are experiencing. Disappointingly for the toddler, they are now beginning to realise that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that, in fact, they must often march to another’s beat.

Up until this point, they believed they were the centre of the known universe and if they wanted anything they got it, because from their perspective their thoughts were your thoughts. Your decisions felt like their decisions, but now it is all different.

As much as the toddler must learn that they can think independently of their parent, so too must parents recognise that their child not only has free will, but they can express it too. Sometimes this is challenging, especially when the toddler develops what appears to be iron-bound routines, habits and behaviours. Some of the time a parent can work around them, other times the toddler must work around the parent.

Similarly, sometimes parents can remove the source of frustration from a toddler and ease their tantrum. Other times they can’t; they must stick by their plan and in such cases, simply empathising with their toddler about the frustration they feel may be enough emotional support to allow the toddler to feel validated. Punishing a toddler for getting upset or resisting your plan for them is not helpful.

It is this validation of toddlers’ perspectives that is key to their healthy individuation. Parents don’t simply give-in to the independent desire of the toddler, but they must show the toddler that their independent desire is okay to have. This to-and-fro of sometimes allowing the child’s desire and other times having to curb it, is what will help the child to learn that their needs are valid, but that others’ needs are also valid.