Average is OK. In fact, average is good. The reality is that roughly 80pc of the world population is “average”, so why has the idea of average shifted from the norm to meaning “not good enough”? As parents, if we are totally honest, many of us struggle with the idea that our children are “just” average in school, in sport or in music. We should be happy with average, but somewhere along the line a shift occurred and there is now pressure on parents and on our children to be above average in everything that they do.
got a bit of a land this past summer after years of bragging to my husband and daughter that I was an above-average student, I found all my dusty old primary school report cards in a box buried at the back of a closet. What they proved was that I was, in fact, for most of those school years, “average”. What? I had had this notion my whole life that I was an A student.
I went on a bit of a self-discovery journey and got a history lesson in how the grading system had changed throughout the years. The fact that Bs and Cs were considered average during the years I went to school was a shock to me. Now we only want A’s for ourselves and for our kids! Not to brag, but I did go on to become a pretty straight A (and B+) student throughout secondary school and into third level, but the fact remains I was average and I still am.
"I admit I have always put a bit of pressure on her to go that little bit extra and to work that little bit harder so she can get grades above average.”
My daughter Joan is currently in fifth class and she is a great student. However, I admit I have always put a bit of pressure on her to go that little bit extra and to work that little bit harder so she can get grades above average. Plus I have to be totally honest and say when she completely aces something I am on a bit of a high myself. But I need to examine this closely and think about why it is important for me that she excels in the things she attempts. I need to take a step back and recognise that my child is most likely, in many things she does, average. But she is happy, thriving and enjoying what she is doing. So that should be enough.
I am nowhere near a level of making her miserable, but could I dial the pressure back a bit, and be more comfortable with the idea of average? The answer is yes.
Like many elements of parenting, I wanted to get a concrete and professional point of view on the topic of parents returning to accepting average as a good thing and something to celebrate. So I spoke to psychotherapist and mental health lecturer Dr Colman Noctor who has done a lot of research on this very topic.
I started by asking him where this move away from accepting average as good came from. His answer was a brilliant history lesson in itself. He said: “It has been gradual over the past 15-20 years, identified as the culture of expectations. So average became synonymous with ordinary over these years. We went from culture of, ‘if you work hard enough good things will happen’, to the self-esteem movement of the 1970s and 1980s, which was telling everyone that they are special to avoid low self-esteem, then on to the American Dream teaching us all you can be anything you want to be. So the idea developed that we are all extraordinary and everyone is special, so no one is “average” anymore. But the reality is the majority of people are average, roughly 80pc of the population.”
What has changed entirely over the past number of years is parents and children now have more pressure on them than ever before to be “extra” in everything they do, because of the potential for all our extra-ness to visible through social media, In short, is this drive to be above average fuelled by social media and humblebrags? I wanted Dr Colman’s thoughts on this, His response was: “Definitely, 100pc. Social media is a highly comparative world, it is designed that way, and parents have to be aware of this. It sets the tone for what is considered good enough. For example, parents posting about birthday parties — they are only getting bigger and more elaborate and the goodie bags are getting bigger too. In the 1980s, if kids were handed a sweet they were happy. Now their expectations continue to grow and so too the potential for disappointment.”
It is clear this need to be above average in everything is not healthy or a good approach when it comes to parenting, so I asked Colman about the main benefits for our kids if we change to promoting the idea and practice that average is good. “It is beneficial to acknowledge the reality that most of us are average and that this is a good thing. For example, a tree doesn’t keep growing to the sky so no matter how much we work at something, we will all plateau at some stage and this is okay. We won’t just keep getting better at something, so to speak.
“It is only natural that we want our kids to be above average. We see our children as extensions of us and feel that their successes and failures are a direct reflection of us. We have to stop this way of thinking and stop placing the pressure of any family legacies on our kids. Instead we need to establish our own value systems, What do we value more — a kid who crawls to the end of June, shattered, to get 600 points or a kid who is active, healthy and has a great social group and got 450 points? Do we need to shift our value system from grades, points and goals to placing importance on contentment, good social skills and being happy with themselves?”
I also spoke to some other parents about their own experiences and how the word and reality of “average” sits with them.
Niamh Doyle, a mother of two boys and a former primary school teacher who currently runs wellbeing workshops for children, said: “It has been a learning process for me to drop that idea of my children having to be above average. I was pushing one of my sons at park runs each weekend and I had to stop and question if I was doing this for me or for him?”
Niamh went on to say: “This push for everyone to go to university or college is unrealistic and it’s unfair on people whom those environments don’t suit. I think we need to, as parents, really examine what we bring to the role of being a mom or dad, and I would definitely choose contentment for my children over some measure of success that society has dictated. After all, it isn’t one-size-fits-all. I saw that in the school and my job and now with my own children.”
“Everything now is about assessment. Even in junior and senior infants, we are assessing kids. I feel we are rushing them to grow up too quickly"
Denis Kelleher, a carpenter and joiner from Kerry and a dad of two boys, started by saying: “I am comfortable with average. For example, as a hurling coach I can see not everyone is going to excel. It isn’t going to suit everyone. As parents, we shouldn’t want to set expectations too high for our kids and have them feel under pressure if they don’t perform well, then only feel badly about themselves.”
I asked Denis if he remembers things being different when he was a child — in short, was the idea of average OK then? He answered by saying: “Before, everything seemed calmer, and in school I felt that no one was left behind. Everything now is about assessment. Even in junior and senior infants, we are assessing kids. I feel we are rushing them to grow up too quickly. My own parents didn’t put pressure on us. In fact, my dad’s advice was always to do your best, and as long as you were happy in what you were doing, don’t worry if someone is better at it than you.” Which I think is really wonderful advice!
Thankfully, I feel my husband is better at this side of parenting than I am. He is pleased and content if Joan is trying her best at school and working hard for herself. He coaches an under-12s football team and he is delighted that they keep turning up, training and improving, win, lose or draw.
Like Niamh, I am going on a bit of a journey myself to remove this built-in ideology that average isn’t good enough. Because as Colman rightly said, it is good, and if we accept it as otherwise, we are not acknowledging that the majority of us are wonderfully average.
