Modern morals: My friend's spoiling of his kids has made them entitled, precocious and very overweight – should I have a word?

Be supportive and use the friendly approach if offering parenting advice to avoid confrontation. Photo: Stock image

Katie Byrne Email

August 05 2022 02:30 AM

Question: I’ve become friendly with my neighbour and, over the years, his kids have become friendly with mine. Some of our kids are of the same age and they all hang around together in the local green. My friend is a single dad so he only has his kids with him over the weekend but I’m beginning to see the impact his style of parenting is having on them. He spoils them rotten with all the latest sports gear and gadgets, and they have unlimited access to screen-time and sweets.

It’s hard to set rules with your children when their friends have iPhones at the age of 10 but, putting that aside, I think he’s ruining his children who used to be such good-natured kids. They’re now entitled, precocious and very overweight.

I understand that single dads can over-compensate but I think he needs to be pulled aside here. My wife says it’s not my place and it will ruin our friendship. What should I do?

Katie replies: Most parents reading this will relate in one way or another to your dilemma. They’ve either found themselves judging the parenting choices of another parent, or they’ve come perilously close to admonishing OPK (Other People’s Kids) for bad behaviour.

The latter is a minefield, which is why most choose to say something to the child’s parent (or nothing at all). But what happens when the parent is evidently at fault? Do you call them out or keep schtum?

I shared your dilemma with psychotherapist and author Stella O’Malley. She says: “The general consensus dictates that we should never, ever comment on other people’s kids and if we have any concerns, we should contact social services”. But O’Malley, who has written three books on parenting, doesn’t agree with that viewpoint at all. “I believe this is a cold and unhelpful approach to take and I prefer to lean into the view that it takes a village to raise a child. This is why I believe that this parent — is he the father? — should speak to his friend.” Being a weekend dad is a hard task, says O’Malley, who adds that it is “very understandable” that single fathers might inadvertently spoil their children. But still, she thinks you should wait for the right moment, and choose your words wisely.

“Parents often speak about the highs and lows of parenting and so whenever the single dad brings up the subject of parenting or children, the writer could use this as an opportunity to comment by saying that it must be even more difficult for him as a single dad and he can totally see why he doesn’t limit their access to sweets and tech — he’d probably do the same himself, but it often creates more problems than it solves.”

In your letter you talk about “pulling aside” your friend, which, frankly, sounds a touch hostile and confrontational. Instead, O’Malley suggests that you choose open, empathic questions “that lead to a non-confrontational conversation about the difficulties of being a single dad”.

“This will probably improve the situation as the single dad will become more self-aware about what is happening. If the dad mentions sweets or tech, then the writer could talk about the difficulties they have in keeping the rules among their kids but how it becomes easier over time and he’s willing to help him devise a couple of rules if he wants.”

I also shared your dilemma with clinical psychologist, parent guide and self-proclaimed “imperfect mum” Dr Julie Meehan, who agrees that every parent can “empathise with your dilemma on some level”. “We have all experienced situations where we are deeply uncomfortable about the way another parent is parenting,” she says. “And we all know how sticky things can get when we intervene!”

Before you make a decision, Meehan encourages you to ascertain what your “primary motivation” is in this situation.

“Are you primarily motivated to support your neighbour as your friend first, as you see him struggling with parenting his children?” she asks. “Or are you primarily motivated to speak to him as a parent first, as you are struggling with setting rules with your own children as a result of how he parents his children? Or is it both?

“It can be really helpful to find the root source of our motivation, and sometimes this is not as easy as it sounds. The benefit of it, however, is that you gain clarity and insight into why you are feeling the need to speak to him, and this will allow you to make a decision that feels more grounded.”

If you do decide to speak to your friend, Meehan agrees that it is best to approach the issue with compassion. “None of us truly know what goes on in other people’s lives after all, and there can be so many factors that may account for his children’s behaviour. Be open, curious and supportive. If you are coming from a judgemental place, your neighbour will likely feel it and may close down. Whereas if you are coming from an open and supportive place, he will feel this too and will likely be more open.”

It’s also worth considering the many ways in which your friend might respond. Has it occurred to you that he might raise concerns about the way you’re parenting your own children?

Be prepared for every outcome and remember, when it comes to parenting styles, it’s up to each family to establish their own sense of true north. Nobody has the map — and some people would prefer to cling to their false sense of certainty than to stop and ask for directions.

If you have a dilemma, email k.byrne@independent.ie.