Dr David Coleman: What to do when punishments and rewards no longer work in encouraging good behaviour in kids

When children are no longer deterred by punishment or swayed by incentives, parents can be at a loss. But there is a better way to encourage proper conduct

Acknowledging and appreciating kids’ efforts is better than paying them to do chores. Photo: Getty/picture posed

Dr David Coleman

January 25 2023 02:30 AM

What do you do if your child laughs in your face, or doesn’t seem to care, every time he or she gets corrected or told to do something they don’t want to do? Another reader recently asked me this, and again it reminded me that I may not have addressed this here. Like this reader, many parents may feel that their child has become inured to every consequence or punishment that may previously have been effective in getting them to change their behaviour.

This is, in fact, a common outcome of applying behavioural principles to children’s behaviour. Behavioural theory suggests that when we positively reinforce a behaviour (reward or praise it) we are more likely to see it occur again. When we negatively reinforce a behaviour (punish it or apply some consequence) we should see less of that behaviour. These are the principles most parents apply to dealing with their children.

What most parents will then also observe is that over time the reinforcement loses its effectiveness. So if, for example, you were using a reward system to help toilet train your child, such that every time they did a wee in the toilet or potty they got a little chocolate button. At first, they may be excited to “earn” a sweet treat, but after a week or so, they may not be that bothered and so you may have to offer an additional inducement to encourage them to keep weeing in the toilet.

Similarly, if you punish them for misbehaviour (taking away a phone or tablet is a popular punishment option for many parents) you may also find that after a while they may not appear to be that bothered by losing screen time and so we may have to up the ante and increase the level of the punishment by removing the device for a longer period perhaps.

As this kind of situation develops, parents may begin to feel powerless because their child just doesn’t seem to care about the punishment, especially if they have nothing else with which they can try to bargain with their child about any misbehaviour.

Which is why it becomes a lot more effective to move away from using behavioural theory as much as possible in our attempts to influence our children’s behaviour. I have long argued in my columns that it isn’t helpful to pay children for doing chores, for instance. We don’t want chores to be something transactional, we want chores to be something that children do because it is the right thing to do and it helps the family by sharing out the burden of housework.

We get there by applying some of the principles that I wrote about recently, being present with our children, helping them to do their chores, supervising their efforts and acknowledging and appreciating their hard work and the benefit it brings to the family.

When it comes to misbehaviour, I advocate the same kind of approach, since we want children to behave well because it is the right thing to do, not because they are afraid of some negative consequence. Once we are in the habit of punishing children, it rarely ends well. Punishment usually feels unfair to children since it is often out of proportion to their misbehaviour (because we have upped the ante so many times). This can create resentment, such that they may even misbehave more as, subconsciously, they may be trying to get their own back against the perceived injustice.

Avoiding this cycle means moving away, entirely from punishing our children. This is not to say that we can’t let them experience the natural consequences of their behaviour. If they break something in a fit of anger, for example, then the natural consequence is that they have to replace the broken item.

However, instead of loading them with some additional punishment, we need to spend some time, later when things are calmer, reflecting on the incident. That will, typically, mean that we help them to acknowledge how they felt when the misbehaviour occurred, trying to understand what was happening that led to the incident. If we can spot the feelings and the circumstances with them, then we can work collaboratively with them to identify ways they can avoid similar misbehaviour the next time they have that feeling or are in that situation. We may also have spotted that we need to do something different, to avoid adding to the circumstances that might have precipitated the misbehaviour.

Punishment can often feel like our own retaliation against our children who have annoyed us. However, when we can regulate our annoyance, we can open up the avenues to most effectively deal with their behaviour by reflecting. Correction through reflection doesn’t feel unjust, and indeed can feel to children like they are properly heard and understood and can point them toward better behaviour in the long-run.