Sunday 18 February 2018

Suspending those unannounced visits

Eleanor Goggin

NOW that I have the house to myself, I fancy doing whatever I like: have all-night parties, orgies or whatever other hedonistic delight I feel like.

While I'm secure in the knowledge that neither of my sons is going to arrive home unexpectedly, as they are abroad, my daughter is in the country, and likely to come back at any stage.

I have suggested, relatively gently, that she let me know when she intends returning. To no avail. She arrived home without warning again the other day. When I reprimanded her and pointed out (in a jocose way) that she could find me in flagrante with one or even two men (I like to shock them into submission), she looked at me with such withering horror that I shut up. But she didn't. I was at the receiving end of a diatribe, punctuated with a salvo of expressions like "what I'm trying to say" and "the point is like" and "at the end of the day", and the upshot was that basically her home should not be like a guest house where you book in and pay.

I assured her that it should, and the whole payment thing was a great idea. More withering looks. She is a student, so I can just hope there will be a payback period before I cross over to another world. To add fuel to the fire, she is a bit short-sighted and sometimes wears glasses. On this occasion, she brought her prescription sunglasses, which, of course, are not for wearing indoors, and when I came home one day at lunch time, every light was blazing in the house for her to see.

Forget the lighting bill. The no-charge, no-need-to-book guest house covers that. The next time she arrives without warning, I'll quickly change into bustier and suspenders, and pretend someone has just left. The sight of that will cure her.

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